Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sugar and Spice??
Well, we've made the announcement to our family, friends and co-workers. Fortunately we did not receive any snide comments ... which I wouldn't have responded politely to at this point in time anyway. Not surprisingly though, I have received numerous requests for a baby girl. As if I had any say in the matter. Ed keeps telling folks that he wants a girl because he thinks I really want a girl ... and I'm not completely sure where he received this notion. Quite honestly, I've enjoyed all aspects of having sons, even their exhausting physical energy. I know all the Power Ranger "teams"; can put together a Bionicle in 3 minutes flat (well, that's a bit of a winky-dink); absolutely love ALL remote control vehicles; have no fear of bugs, frogs, worms, spiders or lizards; and I can put a stop to a temper tantrum with my "evil" eye. The "rough and tough" play has its limits with me but I admire their tenacity and stamina. I just don't know how I would adjust to a little girl. I've been warned by mothers of little girls about the "attitudes", the sassiness, the prissiness, the pouts, the whines, the nonstop talking. I've had my own limited experience with my 6 year old stepdaughter. And while I do daydream about brushing and braiding long hair, shopping hours upon hours for adorable clothes and having "girls' day out", I just feel so unprepared and inadequate when it occurs to me that having my own little girl is a very real possibility. And I must admit it makes me a bit fearful to know that I could easily be replaced at my husband's side by "Daddy's Little Girl".
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Silence is Broken
I know it seems that life has come to a standstill at this blog. But hopefully all will be forgiven and completely understood when I tell you the reason why. The past days have been consumed with reworking the household budget, researching prices for an 8-passenger vehicle, taking small catnaps, discussing life as we know it, discussing life as we will know it and fighting bouts of nausea. Yes, I'm pregnant. And yes, I'm excited, scared, thrilled, anxious, etc., etc. We haven't told any family members or friends just yet. It's still early in the pregnancy and I'm not in any hurry to hear "You're having another one?? Why??????" This will only be my third (and absolutely last) but this does bring our children count to 6, including Ed's first 3.
So, I guess in a sense this will become part pregnancy blog and eventually part baby blog. Just please bear with me and the hormones!!
So, I guess in a sense this will become part pregnancy blog and eventually part baby blog. Just please bear with me and the hormones!!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Real World
Mother's Day passed quietly in our house. No fancy store-bought cards nor sticky, messy homemade cards. No expensive, non-practical gifts nor cheap, practical gifts. Essentially, I got what I asked for. I received 3 1/2 hours of complete peace. I didn't have to: referee; nurse the injured; change dirty diapers; sing silly songs; hear any cries; answer one million questions; feed hungry mouths; wash filthy hands; administer any medications. Instead I leisurely cleaned the downstairs, washed some clothes, took a very long bubble bath, listened to cheesy love songs, perused numerous cookbooks, and watched a crappy movie on tv. Once the chaos returned I became restless and agitated. It was as if my sanity was slipping from my grasp. I then turned to the internet for relief and returned to Damomma's Mother's Day post. Elizabeth's amazing words and experience gave me the true peace I desperately needed. I needed to be reminded that I am blessed. I am extremely lucky to have a husband to accompany me on this crazy journey. There are no words to describe how thankful I am to see CJ grow into a smart, charming young man ... his Daddy in Heaven can only watch from afar. I can wrap my arms around CJ and whisper in his ear that I am so very proud of him each and every day. And Hunterman ... the joy he brings to this house is phenomenal. His fearless, kick-butt attitude should probably cause me fear but instead it only warms my heart. He loves just as furiously as he plays and "fights". He is driven by passion. And honestly, I need to be driven by that same passion every minute. I need to play, work and love with passion. I need to savor every moment I have with my boys (yes, I'm including Ed). And I will make a toast to them every night while drinking a few glasses (or bottle) of champagne.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Battle of the Bad Moods
This is an old picture of Hunterman but it clearly portrays how he and I have been feeling the past 48 hours and counting. He and I have fevers and are feeling quite miserable. Nothing I do seems to make the little fellow happy which makes me feel even worse. Also, I am so exhausted fighting with him every 6-8 hours (use only as directed) to get the motrin down. Needless to say, CJ has had to endure the brunt of my fatigue and shot nerves. By the way, did you know that if you throw a pee-soaked Huggies diaper against the wall, it will basically explode and shower your floor and furniture with squishy urine gel pellets that are impossible to sweep up? If not, you've learned something from me (finally). If so, why don't they put that warning on the diaper box?????
For all the moms out there ... any ideas on what is in store for you on Mother's Day? Did you make any requests or drop any hints? I think my request was quite inexpensive and simple: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me sleep in Sunday morning. When I do feel like stirring, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me breakfast in bed and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me read a book (of my choice to myself) till my heart is content. Any bets this won't happen??
Okay ... I'll quit my griping (bitching) for now (only because my head hurts too much to type).
Hope you all are having a much better afternoon.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Finders Keepers
The boys were down at my parents' house this evening so Ed and I could grab a bite to eat. However, we couldn't find my keys. We looked and looked until we decided just to grab the spare car key and leave the house unlocked. When we returned home we searched the house again before I finally gave up and called my Mom.
Me: Hey Mom. Could you please ask my son if he has seen my car keys?
Mom: CJ, have you seen your mommy's keys?
CJ: shook his head no
Mom: Are you sure you didn't see your mommy's keys?
CJ: (eyes wide) No. I not seen them.
Me: Okay. I just know how he likes to "find" things and then hide them. But I'll keep looking.
Less than two minutes later the phone rings.
Me: Hello?
CJ: Hey Mommy. I sneaked into the kitchen and I got your keys. I went to the living room and crawled behind the couch. I played with the blue light behind the couch and then your keys got gone. That all I know.
(while he's talking I'm retracing his steps)
Me: Good Job, Bud. I just found them. Thank you for remembering where you put my keys.
Mom: Did you find them?
Me: Yes, right where he said. How did he remember?
Mom: I told him that if mommy couldn't find her keys then he wouldn't be able to ride to his favorite store (Target) anymore.
Me: Hey Mom. Could you please ask my son if he has seen my car keys?
Mom: CJ, have you seen your mommy's keys?
CJ: shook his head no
Mom: Are you sure you didn't see your mommy's keys?
CJ: (eyes wide) No. I not seen them.
Me: Okay. I just know how he likes to "find" things and then hide them. But I'll keep looking.
Less than two minutes later the phone rings.
Me: Hello?
CJ: Hey Mommy. I sneaked into the kitchen and I got your keys. I went to the living room and crawled behind the couch. I played with the blue light behind the couch and then your keys got gone. That all I know.
(while he's talking I'm retracing his steps)
Me: Good Job, Bud. I just found them. Thank you for remembering where you put my keys.
Mom: Did you find them?
Me: Yes, right where he said. How did he remember?
Mom: I told him that if mommy couldn't find her keys then he wouldn't be able to ride to his favorite store (Target) anymore.
Normal
I was talking to a new friend the other night. We were trading dysfunctional/broken family histories when it occurred to me that I can count the number of "traditional" families I know on one hand. I know that high divorce rates are blamed on "today's" society, but the dysfunctional/broken families I'm most aware of began in the 70's or before.
Even though I created a "broken" family of sorts for CJ (his dad and I were separated at the time of his death), I strive to give him a stable, more loving, more honest family unit now. Someday, I want him to understand the choices his Dad and I made and the reasons why we didn't make our marriage work. I want him to understand and be grateful for the love that Ed and I have and openly share with our kids. I want him to learn from my mistakes but never fear to make his own. But I worry that CJ will feel slighted or distrustful some day because he will never be able to hear his Dad's side of the story.
I also fear that a day will come when Ed and I will hear the words "You're NOT MY DAD" or "I wish my Dad were here instead of YOU". I know that CJ would speak these words only during a moment of teen angst, but I fear the damage they will have nonetheless. I also pray that CJ never turns on Hunterman and claims "You're not even my real brother". Ed tells me that there is no need to worry about it because nothing I do or say will ever insure that these scenes will not take place. As a matter of fact, Ed admits that he said these things and worse when he was a teenager living with his Mom, Stepdad, brothers and half-sister. But he tries to reassure me by pointing out that as an adult he has a very respectful and loving relationship with his stepdad (who he actually calls "Daddy"). And believe me --- he is more protective over his "half-sister" than any brother has ever been over their sister.
I wish there was a way I could create a "happily ever after" life for CJ and Hunterman. I wish years from now they could have a conversation with their friends and claim that they grew up in the "Beaver Cleaver" family and are proud that they came from a normal family. But then I remember, the Cleaver family is no longer the norm.
Even though I created a "broken" family of sorts for CJ (his dad and I were separated at the time of his death), I strive to give him a stable, more loving, more honest family unit now. Someday, I want him to understand the choices his Dad and I made and the reasons why we didn't make our marriage work. I want him to understand and be grateful for the love that Ed and I have and openly share with our kids. I want him to learn from my mistakes but never fear to make his own. But I worry that CJ will feel slighted or distrustful some day because he will never be able to hear his Dad's side of the story.
I also fear that a day will come when Ed and I will hear the words "You're NOT MY DAD" or "I wish my Dad were here instead of YOU". I know that CJ would speak these words only during a moment of teen angst, but I fear the damage they will have nonetheless. I also pray that CJ never turns on Hunterman and claims "You're not even my real brother". Ed tells me that there is no need to worry about it because nothing I do or say will ever insure that these scenes will not take place. As a matter of fact, Ed admits that he said these things and worse when he was a teenager living with his Mom, Stepdad, brothers and half-sister. But he tries to reassure me by pointing out that as an adult he has a very respectful and loving relationship with his stepdad (who he actually calls "Daddy"). And believe me --- he is more protective over his "half-sister" than any brother has ever been over their sister.
I wish there was a way I could create a "happily ever after" life for CJ and Hunterman. I wish years from now they could have a conversation with their friends and claim that they grew up in the "Beaver Cleaver" family and are proud that they came from a normal family. But then I remember, the Cleaver family is no longer the norm.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Yeah, Right!!
| You Are Sunrise |
 |
Finally one of these things got me all wrong. But I wish I was like the Sunrise!!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Gone Strawberry Pickin'
The boys and I met another family at a local strawberry patch. The three of us picked 8 quarts of strawberries. I'm going to bake a strawberry cake roll for the boys and Ed and I will enjoy strawberries dipped in chocolate while we sip champagne. YUM!!
However, I didn't take any pictures of our outing today. So I'll share my belated fishing pictures.
P.S.
I guess this subject (refer to last post) really bothers me because the trait that I disliked the most in CJ's Dad was his need to avoid confrontation. CJ's Dad would NEVER stand up to anyone or even politely disagree because he did not want to deal with any "unpleasantness". Even when his Grandma would publicly insult me (just because she is evil), CJ's Dad would just look away and not say a word or even suggest we leave her presence.
I want CJ to defend himself and those he loves -- but how do I teach him to do that and still have a kind heart? I know deep in my heart that if the "wild child" had thrown dirt in Hunterman's face and CJ had physically defended his little brother, I would have been extremely proud. Am I a hypocrite?
I want CJ to defend himself and those he loves -- but how do I teach him to do that and still have a kind heart? I know deep in my heart that if the "wild child" had thrown dirt in Hunterman's face and CJ had physically defended his little brother, I would have been extremely proud. Am I a hypocrite?
Parenting Dilemma
Ed and I are in disagreement about the way I handled an incident at a local playground yesterday. CJ was playing with three other children close to his age and he was getting along really well with two of them. There was a little boy that refused to listen to his mother and repeatedly chased the other children with sticks, threw rocks, vandalized trees and had a very ugly demeanor toward the other children. The mother kept insisting that if he didn't stop his behavior they would go home. In the thirty minutes we were there I heard this threat more than 6 times (part of her time was spent in her car talking on her cell phone). The other children were doing a pretty good job of avoiding confrontation with the "wild child" and continued to play together. However, as they were taking turns coming down the big slide, the "wild child" threw two handfuls of wood chips and dirt into CJ's face as he came down the slide. Needless to say the debris got in CJ's eyes, mouth and clothes. I checked CJ over in front of the mother while CJ explained what had happened. When she made no offer to apologize or punish her son, I took Hunterman and CJ and we left the park.
I complimented CJ on his decision not to retaliate against the "wild child" and told him that sometimes you just have to walk away from mean people instead of becoming mean yourself. Ed thinks I'm teaching CJ to be a wimp and that CJ should have done something to the boy even if it was to yell at him (but he would have preferred CJ throwing wood chips and dirt at the little boy --- eye for an eye). I felt that CJ was right in not confronting the boy but it did bother me that I didn't say anything to his mother. I've never been one to avoid confrontation so I'm not sure why I didn't do anything yesterday.
Am I teaching CJ and Hunterman to be cowards?
I complimented CJ on his decision not to retaliate against the "wild child" and told him that sometimes you just have to walk away from mean people instead of becoming mean yourself. Ed thinks I'm teaching CJ to be a wimp and that CJ should have done something to the boy even if it was to yell at him (but he would have preferred CJ throwing wood chips and dirt at the little boy --- eye for an eye). I felt that CJ was right in not confronting the boy but it did bother me that I didn't say anything to his mother. I've never been one to avoid confrontation so I'm not sure why I didn't do anything yesterday.
Am I teaching CJ and Hunterman to be cowards?
Monday, May 01, 2006
Crunch Time
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Just thought I'd share some random pictures with you. I wanted to share the pictures we took this weekend while fishing with the boys. However, my camera is in my van. My van is at Ed's work. So I will share the pictures later during another totally irrelevant post.
When I accepted the "work from home, part-time job", I never imagined that my time would be sucked away from me and spewed forth into the universe as chunks of phone calls, professional letters, brochure creations, unanswered emails, boring medical discussions and cheek-cramping smiles. But I have a confession to make ... I love it. Sometime during the past 33 years, I have developed an overwhelming need to be validated by other adults. I have found that even though I have perfected the "I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks ... I am my own person" persona, I foolishly need others' approval and respect to create any self-worth. I recognize this weakness and accept it for what it is. To date, there has not been a medication or therapy that has allowed me to overcome it. What is terrifying, though, is that I see this same pattern already developing in CJ. At five years old, he has already bound his self-esteem with the opinions of those around him. He is driven by the need to please and impress his peers, family and any adult he encounters. If he is unable to illicit praise from those around him, his eyes fill with doubt and despair. If he doesn't receive immediate approval on a task he's completed, he claims "I just can't do it" and refuses to try again. And of course, no amount of praise and reassurance from Mommy can undo the damage done to his little ego. Maybe in my quest to help CJ build his self-esteem, I will find a way to heal myself.