Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Millions are watching ...
Swirly Girl's open invitation to participate in 52 Figments has motivated me to revisit my childhood or more specifically my relationship with my Mom. The answer to this week's "figment" was instantaneous for me and almost dismissed because the answer seemed too easy. I wanted to have a more mysterious, intriguing answer ... one that most people would not be able to identify with --- but it occurred to me, that would be a false answer. My Mom deserves to be recognized, applauded and appreciated for all that she has done for me and all that she means to me. The picture posted above was an accurate portrayal of my first 8 years ... there was much sadness. My Mom was a "young" mother with no one on her side. Her mother took her to court and had her declared an "unfit" mother and was awarded custody of me. It seems that 30 some years ago it was quite easy to take a child from her mother whereas today the court does everything in its power to keep a mother and child together, even when it is obviously detrimental to the child. Of course, my bitterness is not truly directed at the court system but at my grandparents. They stole four precious years from my mother and me ... years that were filled with moments pictured here. I can only imagine that this picture was taken as we were forced to say good-bye after a very short and court enforced "visitation". My grandparents did allow me to live with my Mom after I turned five, but they refused to give her legal custody of me as they wanted some way to control their daughter. I should mention that there was absolutely nothing "unfit" about my mother -- other than her own parents.
My Mom's struggles are her own and I do not feel I have the right to put them in words. But I must acknowledge that my Mom did everything she could to keep her head above water and raise me with love and attention ... on her own. Until I was eight --- then I imagine that Mom's wish for a knight in shining armor was answered when she met my "Dad". With my Dad's support and my Mom's determination, they took my grandparents back to court and they were awarded legal custody. It was a day that my Mom had dreamed about and worked for for so long. That was just one of many battles my Mom fought for me over the years.
Her life revolved around me and my happiness. We were not rich ... not even middle-income, really ... but I never knew it. My Mom made sure that I had the clothes I wanted, the toys and games my friends had and vacations at the beach every year. She sacrificed and denied herself many things just so she could make sure that she provided for me and gave me the childhood she never had. Of course I was spoiled, but I was also appreciative. And being aware of what my Mom had endured during her life only helped me become stronger and more independent. There have been times that strength and independence have caused strife between my Mom and me but the bond that was forged between us when I was only a preschooler has triumphed. I never really knew how I would be able to repay my Mom for all that she has done for me but I think I have come close now that Mom is able to live nearby and watch me be a "Mommy" to CJ and Hunterman. She has been able to take part in their lives as babies, toddlers and now with CJ, a preschooler. Those moments stolen from her when I was just a babe have been given back to her twicefold. But I would still love to be able to thank her in front of millions ... as she deserves.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Fleeting Thoughts
I can never seem to get a handle on time management. You would think a SAHM would have plenty of time to accomplish her daily tasks, play with the kids, chauffeur, spend time with the husband and even manage to find a few moments to write. I haven't found a way for that to work yet. There are so many things on my brain right now, it is hard to even sit here and try to find a coherent way to express them all.
-- Ed has a new job!! I wish I could go into great detail about his current place of employment but I'm afraid someone will think I'm writing fiction!! Suffice it to say that the place he is at right now is full of tension, backstabbing, unethical conduct, an owner who has no clue and a new management that wants to drive the company into the ground. And no -- this isn't just Ed's opinion ... I worked there for almost 7 years before I realized that life was only going to get worse. I was right. But for the brighter side --- my husband has accepted a job with a different company doing the same thing for more money, less hours and much less stress. I truly have not seen him this happy since Hunterman was born. He told me that it has been quite a struggle to go to work each day. Ed stated that there were some mornings that he got into his truck and sat there debating whether he should just tell me he couldn't do it any more. But then he would think about our children and he would crank up the truck and suck it up or as he said "bear it and share it!"
It hurt my heart to hear him tell me that ... I knew he was unhappy there. Anyone with half a brain and heart would be. I had offered to support any decision he made and to even help him find a different job -- but he would always tell me "I'll be fine". It hurts that I couldn't share this burden with him and that really, I was part of the burden. I'm pretty certain that if I were still working full-time it would have been easier for him to make a change much sooner. I believe this new opportunity is a reward for him ... for hanging in there when most people wouldn't (I didn't) and for having such a strong sense of responsibility for his family. He deserves all the happiness God can pile on his plate.
-- I will be sending CJ off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since CJ's Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain -- to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from "life" -- that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad's headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper "I miss you, Daddy". I know that CJ is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Ed as a dad. But I wish CJ didn't have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I'm the one that needs the magic shield.
-- Ed has a new job!! I wish I could go into great detail about his current place of employment but I'm afraid someone will think I'm writing fiction!! Suffice it to say that the place he is at right now is full of tension, backstabbing, unethical conduct, an owner who has no clue and a new management that wants to drive the company into the ground. And no -- this isn't just Ed's opinion ... I worked there for almost 7 years before I realized that life was only going to get worse. I was right. But for the brighter side --- my husband has accepted a job with a different company doing the same thing for more money, less hours and much less stress. I truly have not seen him this happy since Hunterman was born. He told me that it has been quite a struggle to go to work each day. Ed stated that there were some mornings that he got into his truck and sat there debating whether he should just tell me he couldn't do it any more. But then he would think about our children and he would crank up the truck and suck it up or as he said "bear it and share it!"
It hurt my heart to hear him tell me that ... I knew he was unhappy there. Anyone with half a brain and heart would be. I had offered to support any decision he made and to even help him find a different job -- but he would always tell me "I'll be fine". It hurts that I couldn't share this burden with him and that really, I was part of the burden. I'm pretty certain that if I were still working full-time it would have been easier for him to make a change much sooner. I believe this new opportunity is a reward for him ... for hanging in there when most people wouldn't (I didn't) and for having such a strong sense of responsibility for his family. He deserves all the happiness God can pile on his plate.
-- I will be sending CJ off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since CJ's Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain -- to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from "life" -- that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad's headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper "I miss you, Daddy". I know that CJ is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Ed as a dad. But I wish CJ didn't have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I'm the one that needs the magic shield.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
My Traveling Companions
Since this blog will be focused on my daily life, I should introduce you to my frequent traveling companions so that they will not seem like random strangers (although they are to you).
I will be referring to my co-driver (husband) as Ed. I would use his real name but he detests the idea of a personal blog. Ed and I are quickly approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary and have recently celebrated 3 years of being "together". The story of how we met is quite boring, but the fact that we didn't like each other (actually, he says he "HATED" me) in the beginning does add a bit of intrigue. I believe the dislike eventually grew into a mutual tolerance of one another and as we each let our guard down we began to sense an attraction that shocked, threatened and overwhelmed us. Once we acknowledged the attraction we made the decision to embrace it with everything we had ... and here we are. To most people (and sometimes ourselves) we appear to be quite different from one another. Ed is very much a country boy ---- drives small pickup truck with huge tires and a 20 foot tall antenna; believes hunting is a lifestyle and not just a hobby; insists on displaying a dead buck's head on our living room wall; talks with such a Southern drawl that even I sometimes need a translator; and describes in great detail how to slaughter a hog to prepare it for a pig pickin'. Now, I'm a country girl by birth, so I knew what I was getting into. However, I'm a city girl at heart! Ed prefers a cabin in the mountains; I want a skyscraper hotel in New York City. Ed prefers country ham, homemade biscuits and eggs fried over easy; I order escargot, filet mignon (medium rare) and flan. You get the picture. Beyond the obvious differences, we understand what is important to each other and to our family. He may not understand how I can eat snails, but he understands how his strong arms around me makes me feel safe and protected and I NEED that. He indulges my insatiable need for affection -- physical and emotional. He doesn't tease me about not erasing his love notes written in dry erase marker from our mirror. And when I subtly suggest that a trip to our favorite beach would be nice ... he makes it happen. We both have a healthy fear of losing one another, but my love has absolutely nothing to fear. He is my navigator for life.
I know -- a bit sappy. So I'll move along to the two fellows riding along with us. First is CJ, my tender-hearted, artistic four year old (obviously from a previous marriage if you figure up the math!). CJ is my laid-back, mischievous son who has taught me the joy of coloring books and making up insane stories. He showers me with hugs, kisses and an almost hourly "I love you, Mommy". CJ is also the little fellow that taught me what true terror is when he was put in Neonatal Intensive Care just hours after being born and then again when he was hospitalized at 3 months with pneumonia (it was in the middle of July for God's sake!!). The thought of losing this precious gift was more than I could possibly bear ... and he has truly made me a strong woman! He has the look of a cherub with his mess of blonde curls and heart melting dimples and a soul of one as well when he can pick out birthday presents at Toys'r'Us for his siblings and not ONCE ask for something for himself.
And now to the little fellow that has me embracing a life I never, ever imagined and even swore I would never do --- be a stay-at-home mom. Hunterman is our 16 month old "hell on wheels". His luminous blue eyes and strawberry blonde, wild curls lulls one into a false sense of serenity. This child has the energy of 3,000 wild ponies and he has NO FEAR whatsoever. I am also convinced that he has the highest pain tolerance of any human being and should be studied by the National Institute of Health for his ability to laugh in the face of injury or pain. He also amazes me each day with his intelligence. At 15 months we taught him to put trash in the trash can ... 1 day later he picks up his own soiled diaper and marches it straight to the trash can without being prompted and then rewards himself by clapping. After his 15 month checkup, I was embarrassed when I had to admit to his pediatrician that I had not even attempted to teach Hunterman the names of any of his body parts. She tried to reassure me by stating that it would be more of a concern if he could not identify at least 3 of his body parts by his 18-month check-up. Trying to make up for my complete and utter failure as a mother, I immediately pointed to my nose and then to Hunterman's nose while slowly saying, Nnnnn oooooo ssssss eeeee. I took Hunterman's little finger and placed it on his own nose again while saying NNNNNNNN oooooooo sssssss eeeeee. Hunterman just gazed at me as if I were that Gollem creature in Lord of the Rings. I then had the gall to ask him to show Mommy his nose .... and he did while snorting and sniffing and laughing at me.
Both of my back-seat drivers and my steadfast co-pilot have brought me more joy than I ever believed possible and I cannot wait to see where our journey will take us all.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
As the World Turns .... Over
It is hard to believe that just 24 hours ago I was having a wonderful afternoon with my boys ... enjoying the unseasonably warm day and practicing my photographic skills (or lack of). It made my heart full to watch them chase around in circles until their cheeks glowed a vibrant pink and search the grass and dirt carefully for precious little snails. I felt free and full and giddy with life. Fast forward to now ... turmoil. That is all I feel. The turmoil is spinning in my head and chest like a small but destructive tornado. I feel drowsy but sickenly alert ... my limbs feel so heavy but yet I feel lightheaded. If I didn't know better I would just write it off to the hormonal roller coaster. However -- unless I somehow unknowingly was given a recent free admission on that perilous ride, hormones wouldn't be the answer. I've never succombed to the hormonal trips except during my two pregnancies. Ahhhhhhhh ... maybe it's time to go pee on a little stick!?! At this point I would most definitely want to see the word PREGNANT on the cleverly designed digital doo-dad -- just so I would have a very good reason to feel the way I do today. 3 minutes and I shall know ... right?
***Okay, it's been slightly more than 3 minutes but I had to get the boys down for their naps. And it seems I wasted a ridiculously over-priced digital doo-dad. I did get to see PREGNANT on the little screen but it was preceeded by NOT. Perhaps I should go down for a nap also while all is quiet. Maybe the fury will be quashed by the silence. I can only pray.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Love Lost
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who hve died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the day
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any ---- lifted from the no
of all nothing ---- human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
e. e. cummings
It truly feels as if today is the day I have come alive again. Don't get me wrong. I love being the wife of a wonderfully affectionate and kind man and the mother of two energetic bright beings. I love the mundane life that comes with being "settled" -- of having a routine, planning birthday parties, even trying to live on a budget. But my "inner" self --- the creative, passionate, assertive soul --- is what has been dead. I have missed and even grieved the soul of who I once was. And it is no one's fault other than my own that it was buried alive. But since I take responsibility for it's demise, I also claim credit for its' rebirth. Now I must insure that the "ears of my ears" stay awake and that the "eyes of my eyes" remain open.
Take 2: A Shot in the Dark
I'm not quite sure how I have found my way to BlogWorld. I do love to travel but I never imagined my journey would take me to the internet in an attempt to find myself or rediscover myself or develop myself. Can you tell I'm lost? I think the detour I took back in college actually began my journey into the unknown. Until that time I always knew what road I was on and always had the map open in my lap. Sometime in my junior year my map flew out the window while I was leaning down to tune my radio. I was a little shaken by not having the directions firmly in my grasp but I thought it silly and weak to stop and ask for a little guidance. Somehow when I lost my map -- I lost all sense of direction and even forgot what I intended my destination to be. So I lived block by block ... deciding at the last second whether to go left, right, full speed ahead or do a complete U-turn. I do know I didn't make any U-Turns because I didn't practice them much in driving school. Sometimes I even flipped a coin to decide which way to turn. I did happen upon a few dead ends and I unfortunately was involved in a couple of tragic car wrecks. But I have survived. I'm lost, but I'm alive.