Friday, January 20, 2006
Fleeting Thoughts
I can never seem to get a handle on time management. You would think a SAHM would have plenty of time to accomplish her daily tasks, play with the kids, chauffeur, spend time with the husband and even manage to find a few moments to write. I haven't found a way for that to work yet. There are so many things on my brain right now, it is hard to even sit here and try to find a coherent way to express them all.
-- Ed has a new job!! I wish I could go into great detail about his current place of employment but I'm afraid someone will think I'm writing fiction!! Suffice it to say that the place he is at right now is full of tension, backstabbing, unethical conduct, an owner who has no clue and a new management that wants to drive the company into the ground. And no -- this isn't just Ed's opinion ... I worked there for almost 7 years before I realized that life was only going to get worse. I was right. But for the brighter side --- my husband has accepted a job with a different company doing the same thing for more money, less hours and much less stress. I truly have not seen him this happy since Hunterman was born. He told me that it has been quite a struggle to go to work each day. Ed stated that there were some mornings that he got into his truck and sat there debating whether he should just tell me he couldn't do it any more. But then he would think about our children and he would crank up the truck and suck it up or as he said "bear it and share it!"
It hurt my heart to hear him tell me that ... I knew he was unhappy there. Anyone with half a brain and heart would be. I had offered to support any decision he made and to even help him find a different job -- but he would always tell me "I'll be fine". It hurts that I couldn't share this burden with him and that really, I was part of the burden. I'm pretty certain that if I were still working full-time it would have been easier for him to make a change much sooner. I believe this new opportunity is a reward for him ... for hanging in there when most people wouldn't (I didn't) and for having such a strong sense of responsibility for his family. He deserves all the happiness God can pile on his plate.
-- I will be sending CJ off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since CJ's Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain -- to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from "life" -- that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad's headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper "I miss you, Daddy". I know that CJ is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Ed as a dad. But I wish CJ didn't have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I'm the one that needs the magic shield.
-- Ed has a new job!! I wish I could go into great detail about his current place of employment but I'm afraid someone will think I'm writing fiction!! Suffice it to say that the place he is at right now is full of tension, backstabbing, unethical conduct, an owner who has no clue and a new management that wants to drive the company into the ground. And no -- this isn't just Ed's opinion ... I worked there for almost 7 years before I realized that life was only going to get worse. I was right. But for the brighter side --- my husband has accepted a job with a different company doing the same thing for more money, less hours and much less stress. I truly have not seen him this happy since Hunterman was born. He told me that it has been quite a struggle to go to work each day. Ed stated that there were some mornings that he got into his truck and sat there debating whether he should just tell me he couldn't do it any more. But then he would think about our children and he would crank up the truck and suck it up or as he said "bear it and share it!"
It hurt my heart to hear him tell me that ... I knew he was unhappy there. Anyone with half a brain and heart would be. I had offered to support any decision he made and to even help him find a different job -- but he would always tell me "I'll be fine". It hurts that I couldn't share this burden with him and that really, I was part of the burden. I'm pretty certain that if I were still working full-time it would have been easier for him to make a change much sooner. I believe this new opportunity is a reward for him ... for hanging in there when most people wouldn't (I didn't) and for having such a strong sense of responsibility for his family. He deserves all the happiness God can pile on his plate.
-- I will be sending CJ off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since CJ's Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain -- to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from "life" -- that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad's headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper "I miss you, Daddy". I know that CJ is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Ed as a dad. But I wish CJ didn't have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I'm the one that needs the magic shield.
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