Monday, June 26, 2006
June -- Who needs it?
I'm not sure why most bad things happen to me in June. But I can once again add a trauma to the list. I lost the baby last night. At my appt last week, the Dr. indicated that a miscarriage might be expected. We were praying that my body was just being a bit contrary and that the baby would be fine. I will say that going thru a miscarriage at this stage has been more painful and grueling than either of my labors.
We are doing okay. Ed and I shed a few tears. I gave CJ the news this morning. I just explained that the baby had gotten sick and was not able to grow in Mommy's tummy but that Baby was now in Heaven, safe and sound. I worry that he will become frustrated with the idea of "Heaven" but for the time being he is handling everything like a Champ.
I did manage to get CJ to Vacation Bible School today. He loves the idea of "Big Kid School" more and more each day. Hunterman actually wanted to stay with CJ. Maybe his "separation anxiety" is getting better.
Hope the end of June brings more joy and happiness to our home as well as yours.
We are doing okay. Ed and I shed a few tears. I gave CJ the news this morning. I just explained that the baby had gotten sick and was not able to grow in Mommy's tummy but that Baby was now in Heaven, safe and sound. I worry that he will become frustrated with the idea of "Heaven" but for the time being he is handling everything like a Champ.
I did manage to get CJ to Vacation Bible School today. He loves the idea of "Big Kid School" more and more each day. Hunterman actually wanted to stay with CJ. Maybe his "separation anxiety" is getting better.
Hope the end of June brings more joy and happiness to our home as well as yours.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
June Clouds
I have my first "true" prenatal Dr.'s appointment today. That means I should have an ultrasound and get an official due date. I truly thought that since this is my third pregnancy I would be a bit more laid back about the whole deal. Instead, I fret and worry over every twinge and constantly wonder if something is wrong with Baby. I told Ed last night that I dread today's appointment because I'm afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong. The only thing I can attribute these feelings to is the fact that so far this pregnancy has been quite different than the first two. I wish now I had kept pregnancy journals because I do believe I have forgotten a lot of my concerns and anxieties associated with having my two boys.
It probably doesn't help that this week is the anniversary of two of the worse days of my life. Twenty-one years ago today I was in the car accident that forever changed me in many ways. I always carry a sense of dread on this anniversary. And even sadder, Sunday was the anniversary of CJ's Daddy's death. Of course this year it fell on Father's Day. For some reason, CJ didn't want to go with me to his Daddy's grave to visit or leave new flowers. This is the first time CJ has ever turned down a visit there. I didn't pressure him or chastise him. I made the visit myself and talked to CJ's Daddy about how amazing CJ is while I tended the flowers. It made me feel a bit better but the sadness is still very heavy. CJ did want to visit his Daddy's grave yesterday morning so we made a brief trip there.
So maybe the darkness I feel today is related more to hormones and history than anything being wrong with Baby. And maybe as the week passes so will the clouds.
It probably doesn't help that this week is the anniversary of two of the worse days of my life. Twenty-one years ago today I was in the car accident that forever changed me in many ways. I always carry a sense of dread on this anniversary. And even sadder, Sunday was the anniversary of CJ's Daddy's death. Of course this year it fell on Father's Day. For some reason, CJ didn't want to go with me to his Daddy's grave to visit or leave new flowers. This is the first time CJ has ever turned down a visit there. I didn't pressure him or chastise him. I made the visit myself and talked to CJ's Daddy about how amazing CJ is while I tended the flowers. It made me feel a bit better but the sadness is still very heavy. CJ did want to visit his Daddy's grave yesterday morning so we made a brief trip there.
So maybe the darkness I feel today is related more to hormones and history than anything being wrong with Baby. And maybe as the week passes so will the clouds.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Sweet Slumber
What is "sweet slumber" exactly?? I think I actually enjoyed it quite frequently before the recent conception. Now, it seems the best I can do is close my eyes and try not to open them every ten seconds. And even though I do not yet have the pregnant belly, I cannot get comfortable in any position in our bed. To make matters worse, last night my dear Hunterman was having a restless, fitful night. In an effort to assist me in my quest for "sweet slumber", Ed slept in Hunterman's room. So, the only creatures in this house that got sleep last night were CJ and Jax, the pup.
When I was pregnant with Hunterman I did have to be treated for sleep deprivation and put on sleeping pills. I fear I'm headed in the same direction again. CJ does allow me to "rest" during Hunterman's naps but my Mommy brain only allows me to drift --- where I can still hear every sound in this house and sense any movement in CJ's direction.
Maybe with the steady rain on our tin roof today, Hunterman and I can catch up on our sleep.
When I was pregnant with Hunterman I did have to be treated for sleep deprivation and put on sleeping pills. I fear I'm headed in the same direction again. CJ does allow me to "rest" during Hunterman's naps but my Mommy brain only allows me to drift --- where I can still hear every sound in this house and sense any movement in CJ's direction.
Maybe with the steady rain on our tin roof today, Hunterman and I can catch up on our sleep.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Loving and Living
First of all --- how about the new design?? Susie at http://bluebirdblogs.blogspot.com did a wonderful job fulfilling my design wishes. PLEASE contact her if you need a new blogger 'do. Now it just makes me wish I was at the beach.
Secondly --- thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I apologize for not being more diligent with my blog but my energy has gone "out to sea". Even though I have not suffered from constant morning sickness like I did with CJ and Hunter, I have been depleted of all energy, motivation or reasonable thought.
There really isn't much to report other than I will have my first ultrasound this week and we will be telling the three older kids about their new sibling. CJ asks me everyday "How's the baby today, Mommy?" And he also tells me everyday, "I sure do hope I have a sister. Baby brother's are mean. Baby sisters will be nice to me." I just laugh and tell him that sometimes little sisters can be meaner than brothers. He doesn't believe me, though.
Oh ... and I did have my first real craving today. A Jersey Mike's sub. I didn't even care what kind. And my darling Ed made sure I got what "we" wanted. I think I'll have cravings more often!!
Secondly --- thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I apologize for not being more diligent with my blog but my energy has gone "out to sea". Even though I have not suffered from constant morning sickness like I did with CJ and Hunter, I have been depleted of all energy, motivation or reasonable thought.
There really isn't much to report other than I will have my first ultrasound this week and we will be telling the three older kids about their new sibling. CJ asks me everyday "How's the baby today, Mommy?" And he also tells me everyday, "I sure do hope I have a sister. Baby brother's are mean. Baby sisters will be nice to me." I just laugh and tell him that sometimes little sisters can be meaner than brothers. He doesn't believe me, though.
Oh ... and I did have my first real craving today. A Jersey Mike's sub. I didn't even care what kind. And my darling Ed made sure I got what "we" wanted. I think I'll have cravings more often!!