Monday, February 27, 2006
Marital Bliss
This is my Ed. Almost two years ago I had the greatest honor when I became his wife. He has brought more joy and security into my life than I ever imagined possible ... even when I was a little girl that still believed in fairy tales. Before I fell in love with Ed, I was definitely jaded and a bit cynical about love. And to be honest, I often felt undeserving. There have been many events in my life that have caused me to question life, God and most of all, LOVE. Even through those really bad times, I knew I wanted to live and I was determined to make something of my life. And though I tried to disbelieve in God ... or blame God for certain circumstances in my life, I always failed. Deep in my heart and soul I knew that I would always fall back on the faith that God was watching over me. But love was a different story ... I always dreamed of the romantic, sweep-me-off-my-feet, turn-my-world-upside-down, until-death-do-us part, Romeo-and-Juliet love. The problem was I never waited for that type of love. Instead, in desperation, I began to latch on and "love" any male who showed any type of attraction for me. I don't mean I had sex with them ... my numbers are quite low compared to the national averages ... but I thought if I tried really hard, I could create the type of love that I believed should exist. At one point in my high school years, I thought I spotted the love I was looking for --- and I ran the other way. In my senior year of high school, I began to feel that "romantic love" for my 1st husband, but his life was turned upside down our sophomore year of college when his mother died of cancer. He was so hurt but refused to grieve. He spent all of his energy trying not to feel anything ... and he was very successful. Of course I married him anyway believing that I could "rescue" him. Needless to say, I didn't possess the abilities necessary to do that. During most of that marriage, I always felt there was a hole in my heart and that I was missing something very essential to my being. And I was.
The first stirrings I felt for Ed I attributed to purely physical desires. I didn't even want to dare think that I could find something meaningful. Even when he began to sweep-me-off-my-feet and turn-my-world-upside-down, I questioned whether I even deserved to find this kind of happiness. And when I found that every minute of my day was consumed with overpowering emotions for Ed ... I knew that I had a decision to make. I could take this leap of faith and jump into the arms of a man that made me feel more alive than I had ever felt ... or I could withdraw into myself and be a lonely, bitter single mom. I didn't want that for myself and I certainly didn't want that for CJ. With Ed, I started to let the walls come down that had barricaded my heart for some time. I opened myself up to the vulnerability and uncertainty of a new love. I was truly amazed to discover that there was a man that would love me, hold me and offer me a refuge ... and most importantly a man who would accept me with all my faults and celebrate me for all my attributes. I was overwhelmed to find a man that was willing to let down his emotional floodgates and allow me to witness tears of joy, pain, frustration and new dreams being born. Ed talked to me into all hours of the night ... he would run his fingers through my hair as he listened to my life's tale. He wouldn't hide the anger or sadness he felt as he learned about the people and events that shaped who I had become. His strong arms always offered a secure port and I would often fall asleep nestled in the crook of his arm. He was always up to an adventure ... whether it was a spontaneous trip to the beach for a weekend (we left at 8pm one night with 4 of our brood ... Hunterman was not here yet) or going bowling even though it had been years since he had donned a borrowed pair of shoes. He was quietly supportive when CJ's dad was killed and I was left to plan the memorial service and make decisions on final burial. He asked no questions when I would collapse into his arms an emotional wreck. He is the only person who volunteered to go with me to see CJ's Dad's wrangled mess of a Jeep and to collect any and all personal belongings that were left in the shattered glass and bloody metal. He understood that I needed to grieve for my first husband, dearest friend and CJ's loving Dad. He has never complained about the cluttered mess in his gun safe where I have been storing some of CJ's Dad's most valuable and sentimental possessions. Ed never once questioned changing our wedding month so that it did not coincide with the 1 year anniversary of CJ's Dad's death. He didn't even offer much of a protest when I told him that I truly wanted the 2 of us to go away on a cruise and have our wedding in Jamaica and to keep the celebration between the two of us. Although he wanted an intimate wedding at home attended by our children, family and friends he understood that I had experienced enough "drama" and that I wanted this part of our lives to ourselves. We did compromise by having the ceremony videotaped and by purchasing several hundred dollars worth of wedding/reception photos to share with our children. Ed has never made me feel like saving a penny is more important that seeing a smile on my face. And since we have been together, there have only been two occasions where he has thrown harsh words my way. And both times the apologies were accompanied by tears and both times were during some very difficult and trying events in Ed's life. And just yesterday when I was suffering from a fierce chocolate craving, he insisted we drive to Harris Teeter and fill our cart with any candy, cake, ice cream or snack that caught our fancy. He never flinched when the cashier announced the total amount (we won't go there!) and he never thought once about missing the Nascar race on TV even though he had planned his Sunday around that one event. He wants our children to see our love for each other ... he wants them to see us hold hands, hug, laugh and kiss. He wants them to know that loving someone should be joyful and celebrated. He is giving them what I always wished for as a small child.
Believe it or not, when I started this post this morning I was going to write about how I missed those stirrings of a "new" love --- the constant touches and soulful stares into each other's eyes. I was going to complain about the slow decline of romance. But this gave me the true perspective I needed. I am going to hug and kiss Ed when he walks in the door this afternoon and thank him for being mine ... and making me the luckiest woman in the world.
2 Comments:
How beautiful. You are very blessed.
Your post is so sweet. How lucky you (and Ed) are. :)
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