Experiment in Madness

My Lifesavers

2008-01-01T10:30:00.001-05:00

My guys at our favorite place -- the Outer Banks.

New Year, New Us

2008-01-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it has been a year and a half since I last posted. Yes, the miscarriage was difficult and traumatic. Sending my first born off to kindergarten and the baby off to preschool was devastating (at first). Returning to 40 hour work weeks was painful and tiring. But life got better -- or I just got over it all. CJ is now in first grade and is absolutely brilliant. Hunterman is in the midst of the atrocious three's and terrorizes us all daily (but boy how we love him!). Hubby and I are now expecting AGAIN! But I have made it to my second trimester and have seen this baby more times than I saw my first two boys together. Hubby is counting down to Jan. 9th when we find out if we are expecting a prince or a princess. Needless to say all the "men" of the house are wishing and praying for a little girl. Me --- I know boys. Boys are easy. Boys are messy. Boys are simple. I like boys.

I haven't made a resolution to return to blogging but it has felt good hitting the keyboard a little. And I have missed posting my pictures. So hopefully I will see you around more often.

Hurricane Season

2006-07-02T09:06:00.000-04:00

I want to thank you all for your concern and prayers during this very difficult week. I'm not going to get into the details, but suffice it to say that the miscarriage actually took all week. My body is now slowly recovering (not use to being anemic). Hormonally, I told Ed that it feels like I have a hurricane brewing in my head. I can't really say that I'm having mood swings because right now my mood is perpetually "stormy". I'm hoping that eases up soon because it consumes a lot of energy as well. Emotionally, I'm doing better. Ed and I have had many discussions about whether we will try to expand the size of our family again. And I think we are both very comfortable with the decision to be thrilled with the blessings we already have. Although we definitely have the love to share with another child, we also know that are resources (money, time, energy) will be strained with another one. We are now at a place where we can truly appreciate all that we do have and not want for more. We now want to focus on our children and on us. We realize we need some time to reconnect with each other and make our relationship a priority once again. And I must say that Ed's love, compassion and humor this past week kept me sane and made our loss much more bearable.

June -- Who needs it?

2006-06-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why most bad things happen to me in June. But I can once again add a trauma to the list. I lost the baby last night. At my appt last week, the Dr. indicated that a miscarriage might be expected. We were praying that my body was just being a bit contrary and that the baby would be fine. I will say that going thru a miscarriage at this stage has been more painful and grueling than either of my labors.

We are doing okay. Ed and I shed a few tears. I gave CJ the news this morning. I just explained that the baby had gotten sick and was not able to grow in Mommy's tummy but that Baby was now in Heaven, safe and sound. I worry that he will become frustrated with the idea of "Heaven" but for the time being he is handling everything like a Champ.

I did manage to get CJ to Vacation Bible School today. He loves the idea of "Big Kid School" more and more each day. Hunterman actually wanted to stay with CJ. Maybe his "separation anxiety" is getting better.

Hope the end of June brings more joy and happiness to our home as well as yours.

June Clouds

2006-06-20T08:58:00.000-04:00

I have my first "true" prenatal Dr.'s appointment today. That means I should have an ultrasound and get an official due date. I truly thought that since this is my third pregnancy I would be a bit more laid back about the whole deal. Instead, I fret and worry over every twinge and constantly wonder if something is wrong with Baby. I told Ed last night that I dread today's appointment because I'm afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong. The only thing I can attribute these feelings to is the fact that so far this pregnancy has been quite different than the first two. I wish now I had kept pregnancy journals because I do believe I have forgotten a lot of my concerns and anxieties associated with having my two boys.
It probably doesn't help that this week is the anniversary of two of the worse days of my life. Twenty-one years ago today I was in the car accident that forever changed me in many ways. I always carry a sense of dread on this anniversary. And even sadder, Sunday was the anniversary of CJ's Daddy's death. Of course this year it fell on Father's Day. For some reason, CJ didn't want to go with me to his Daddy's grave to visit or leave new flowers. This is the first time CJ has ever turned down a visit there. I didn't pressure him or chastise him. I made the visit myself and talked to CJ's Daddy about how amazing CJ is while I tended the flowers. It made me feel a bit better but the sadness is still very heavy. CJ did want to visit his Daddy's grave yesterday morning so we made a brief trip there.
So maybe the darkness I feel today is related more to hormones and history than anything being wrong with Baby. And maybe as the week passes so will the clouds.

Sweet Slumber

2006-06-14T08:46:00.000-04:00

What is "sweet slumber" exactly?? I think I actually enjoyed it quite frequently before the recent conception. Now, it seems the best I can do is close my eyes and try not to open them every ten seconds. And even though I do not yet have the pregnant belly, I cannot get comfortable in any position in our bed. To make matters worse, last night my dear Hunterman was having a restless, fitful night. In an effort to assist me in my quest for "sweet slumber", Ed slept in Hunterman's room. So, the only creatures in this house that got sleep last night were CJ and Jax, the pup.
When I was pregnant with Hunterman I did have to be treated for sleep deprivation and put on sleeping pills. I fear I'm headed in the same direction again. CJ does allow me to "rest" during Hunterman's naps but my Mommy brain only allows me to drift --- where I can still hear every sound in this house and sense any movement in CJ's direction.
Maybe with the steady rain on our tin roof today, Hunterman and I can catch up on our sleep.

Loving and Living

2006-06-12T19:58:00.000-04:00

First of all --- how about the new design?? Susie at http://bluebirdblogs.blogspot.com did a wonderful job fulfilling my design wishes. PLEASE contact her if you need a new blogger 'do. Now it just makes me wish I was at the beach.
Secondly --- thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I apologize for not being more diligent with my blog but my energy has gone "out to sea". Even though I have not suffered from constant morning sickness like I did with CJ and Hunter, I have been depleted of all energy, motivation or reasonable thought.
There really isn't much to report other than I will have my first ultrasound this week and we will be telling the three older kids about their new sibling. CJ asks me everyday "How's the baby today, Mommy?" And he also tells me everyday, "I sure do hope I have a sister. Baby brother's are mean. Baby sisters will be nice to me." I just laugh and tell him that sometimes little sisters can be meaner than brothers. He doesn't believe me, though.
Oh ... and I did have my first real craving today. A Jersey Mike's sub. I didn't even care what kind. And my darling Ed made sure I got what "we" wanted. I think I'll have cravings more often!!

Sugar and Spice??

2006-05-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

Well, we've made the announcement to our family, friends and co-workers. Fortunately we did not receive any snide comments ... which I wouldn't have responded politely to at this point in time anyway. Not surprisingly though, I have received numerous requests for a baby girl. As if I had any say in the matter. Ed keeps telling folks that he wants a girl because he thinks I really want a girl ... and I'm not completely sure where he received this notion. Quite honestly, I've enjoyed all aspects of having sons, even their exhausting physical energy. I know all the Power Ranger "teams"; can put together a Bionicle in 3 minutes flat (well, that's a bit of a winky-dink); absolutely love ALL remote control vehicles; have no fear of bugs, frogs, worms, spiders or lizards; and I can put a stop to a temper tantrum with my "evil" eye. The "rough and tough" play has its limits with me but I admire their tenacity and stamina. I just don't know how I would adjust to a little girl. I've been warned by mothers of little girls about the "attitudes", the sassiness, the prissiness, the pouts, the whines, the nonstop talking. I've had my own limited experience with my 6 year old stepdaughter. And while I do daydream about brushing and braiding long hair, shopping hours upon hours for adorable clothes and having "girls' day out", I just feel so unprepared and inadequate when it occurs to me that having my own little girl is a very real possibility. And I must admit it makes me a bit fearful to know that I could easily be replaced at my husband's side by "Daddy's Little Girl".

The Silence is Broken

2006-05-24T08:08:00.000-04:00

I know it seems that life has come to a standstill at this blog. But hopefully all will be forgiven and completely understood when I tell you the reason why. The past days have been consumed with reworking the household budget, researching prices for an 8-passenger vehicle, taking small catnaps, discussing life as we know it, discussing life as we will know it and fighting bouts of nausea. Yes, I'm pregnant. And yes, I'm excited, scared, thrilled, anxious, etc., etc. We haven't told any family members or friends just yet. It's still early in the pregnancy and I'm not in any hurry to hear "You're having another one?? Why??????" This will only be my third (and absolutely last) but this does bring our children count to 6, including Ed's first 3.

So, I guess in a sense this will become part pregnancy blog and eventually part baby blog. Just please bear with me and the hormones!!

Real World

2006-05-15T08:17:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day passed quietly in our house. No fancy store-bought cards nor sticky, messy homemade cards. No expensive, non-practical gifts nor cheap, practical gifts. Essentially, I got what I asked for. I received 3 1/2 hours of complete peace. I didn't have to: referee; nurse the injured; change dirty diapers; sing silly songs; hear any cries; answer one million questions; feed hungry mouths; wash filthy hands; administer any medications. Instead I leisurely cleaned the downstairs, washed some clothes, took a very long bubble bath, listened to cheesy love songs, perused numerous cookbooks, and watched a crappy movie on tv. Once the chaos returned I became restless and agitated. It was as if my sanity was slipping from my grasp. I then turned to the internet for relief and returned to Damomma's Mother's Day post. Elizabeth's amazing words and experience gave me the true peace I desperately needed. I needed to be reminded that I am blessed. I am extremely lucky to have a husband to accompany me on this crazy journey. There are no words to describe how thankful I am to see CJ grow into a smart, charming young man ... his Daddy in Heaven can only watch from afar. I can wrap my arms around CJ and whisper in his ear that I am so very proud of him each and every day. And Hunterman ... the joy he brings to this house is phenomenal. His fearless, kick-butt attitude should probably cause me fear but instead it only warms my heart. He loves just as furiously as he plays and "fights". He is driven by passion. And honestly, I need to be driven by that same passion every minute. I need to play, work and love with passion. I need to savor every moment I have with my boys (yes, I'm including Ed). And I will make a toast to them every night while drinking a few glasses (or bottle) of champagne.

Battle of the Bad Moods

2006-05-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

This is an old picture of Hunterman but it clearly portrays how he and I have been feeling the past 48 hours and counting. He and I have fevers and are feeling quite miserable. Nothing I do seems to make the little fellow happy which makes me feel even worse. Also, I am so exhausted fighting with him every 6-8 hours (use only as directed) to get the motrin down. Needless to say, CJ has had to endure the brunt of my fatigue and shot nerves. By the way, did you know that if you throw a pee-soaked Huggies diaper against the wall, it will basically explode and shower your floor and furniture with squishy urine gel pellets that are impossible to sweep up? If not, you've learned something from me (finally). If so, why don't they put that warning on the diaper box?????

For all the moms out there ... any ideas on what is in store for you on Mother's Day? Did you make any requests or drop any hints? I think my request was quite inexpensive and simple: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me sleep in Sunday morning. When I do feel like stirring, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me breakfast in bed and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me read a book (of my choice to myself) till my heart is content. Any bets this won't happen??

Okay ... I'll quit my griping (bitching) for now (only because my head hurts too much to type).
Hope you all are having a much better afternoon.

Finders Keepers

2006-05-09T19:16:00.000-04:00

The boys were down at my parents' house this evening so Ed and I could grab a bite to eat. However, we couldn't find my keys. We looked and looked until we decided just to grab the spare car key and leave the house unlocked. When we returned home we searched the house again before I finally gave up and called my Mom.

Me: Hey Mom. Could you please ask my son if he has seen my car keys?
Mom: CJ, have you seen your mommy's keys?
CJ: shook his head no
Mom: Are you sure you didn't see your mommy's keys?
CJ: (eyes wide) No. I not seen them.
Me: Okay. I just know how he likes to "find" things and then hide them. But I'll keep looking.

Less than two minutes later the phone rings.

Me: Hello?
CJ: Hey Mommy. I sneaked into the kitchen and I got your keys. I went to the living room and crawled behind the couch. I played with the blue light behind the couch and then your keys got gone. That all I know.
(while he's talking I'm retracing his steps)
Me: Good Job, Bud. I just found them. Thank you for remembering where you put my keys.
Mom: Did you find them?
Me: Yes, right where he said. How did he remember?
Mom: I told him that if mommy couldn't find her keys then he wouldn't be able to ride to his favorite store (Target) anymore.

Normal

2006-05-09T08:27:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a new friend the other night. We were trading dysfunctional/broken family histories when it occurred to me that I can count the number of "traditional" families I know on one hand. I know that high divorce rates are blamed on "today's" society, but the dysfunctional/broken families I'm most aware of began in the 70's or before.

Even though I created a "broken" family of sorts for CJ (his dad and I were separated at the time of his death), I strive to give him a stable, more loving, more honest family unit now. Someday, I want him to understand the choices his Dad and I made and the reasons why we didn't make our marriage work. I want him to understand and be grateful for the love that Ed and I have and openly share with our kids. I want him to learn from my mistakes but never fear to make his own. But I worry that CJ will feel slighted or distrustful some day because he will never be able to hear his Dad's side of the story.

I also fear that a day will come when Ed and I will hear the words "You're NOT MY DAD" or "I wish my Dad were here instead of YOU". I know that CJ would speak these words only during a moment of teen angst, but I fear the damage they will have nonetheless. I also pray that CJ never turns on Hunterman and claims "You're not even my real brother". Ed tells me that there is no need to worry about it because nothing I do or say will ever insure that these scenes will not take place. As a matter of fact, Ed admits that he said these things and worse when he was a teenager living with his Mom, Stepdad, brothers and half-sister. But he tries to reassure me by pointing out that as an adult he has a very respectful and loving relationship with his stepdad (who he actually calls "Daddy"). And believe me --- he is more protective over his "half-sister" than any brother has ever been over their sister.

I wish there was a way I could create a "happily ever after" life for CJ and Hunterman. I wish years from now they could have a conversation with their friends and claim that they grew up in the "Beaver Cleaver" family and are proud that they came from a normal family. But then I remember, the Cleaver family is no longer the norm.

Yeah, Right!!

2006-05-08T14:57:00.000-04:00

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Finally one of these things got me all wrong. But I wish I was like the Sunrise!!

Gone Strawberry Pickin'

2006-05-04T13:32:00.000-04:00

The boys and I met another family at a local strawberry patch. The three of us picked 8 quarts of strawberries. I'm going to bake a strawberry cake roll for the boys and Ed and I will enjoy strawberries dipped in chocolate while we sip champagne. YUM!!

However, I didn't take any pictures of our outing today. So I'll share my belated fishing pictures.

P.S.

2006-05-04T09:10:00.000-04:00

I guess this subject (refer to last post) really bothers me because the trait that I disliked the most in CJ's Dad was his need to avoid confrontation. CJ's Dad would NEVER stand up to anyone or even politely disagree because he did not want to deal with any "unpleasantness". Even when his Grandma would publicly insult me (just because she is evil), CJ's Dad would just look away and not say a word or even suggest we leave her presence.

I want CJ to defend himself and those he loves -- but how do I teach him to do that and still have a kind heart? I know deep in my heart that if the "wild child" had thrown dirt in Hunterman's face and CJ had physically defended his little brother, I would have been extremely proud. Am I a hypocrite?

Parenting Dilemma

2006-05-04T08:22:00.000-04:00

Ed and I are in disagreement about the way I handled an incident at a local playground yesterday. CJ was playing with three other children close to his age and he was getting along really well with two of them. There was a little boy that refused to listen to his mother and repeatedly chased the other children with sticks, threw rocks, vandalized trees and had a very ugly demeanor toward the other children. The mother kept insisting that if he didn't stop his behavior they would go home. In the thirty minutes we were there I heard this threat more than 6 times (part of her time was spent in her car talking on her cell phone). The other children were doing a pretty good job of avoiding confrontation with the "wild child" and continued to play together. However, as they were taking turns coming down the big slide, the "wild child" threw two handfuls of wood chips and dirt into CJ's face as he came down the slide. Needless to say the debris got in CJ's eyes, mouth and clothes. I checked CJ over in front of the mother while CJ explained what had happened. When she made no offer to apologize or punish her son, I took Hunterman and CJ and we left the park.

I complimented CJ on his decision not to retaliate against the "wild child" and told him that sometimes you just have to walk away from mean people instead of becoming mean yourself. Ed thinks I'm teaching CJ to be a wimp and that CJ should have done something to the boy even if it was to yell at him (but he would have preferred CJ throwing wood chips and dirt at the little boy --- eye for an eye). I felt that CJ was right in not confronting the boy but it did bother me that I didn't say anything to his mother. I've never been one to avoid confrontation so I'm not sure why I didn't do anything yesterday.

Am I teaching CJ and Hunterman to be cowards?

Crunch Time

2006-05-01T08:37:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd share some random pictures with you. I wanted to share the pictures we took this weekend while fishing with the boys. However, my camera is in my van. My van is at Ed's work. So I will share the pictures later during another totally irrelevant post.

When I accepted the "work from home, part-time job", I never imagined that my time would be sucked away from me and spewed forth into the universe as chunks of phone calls, professional letters, brochure creations, unanswered emails, boring medical discussions and cheek-cramping smiles. But I have a confession to make ... I love it. Sometime during the past 33 years, I have developed an overwhelming need to be validated by other adults. I have found that even though I have perfected the "I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks ... I am my own person" persona, I foolishly need others' approval and respect to create any self-worth. I recognize this weakness and accept it for what it is. To date, there has not been a medication or therapy that has allowed me to overcome it. What is terrifying, though, is that I see this same pattern already developing in CJ. At five years old, he has already bound his self-esteem with the opinions of those around him. He is driven by the need to please and impress his peers, family and any adult he encounters. If he is unable to illicit praise from those around him, his eyes fill with doubt and despair. If he doesn't receive immediate approval on a task he's completed, he claims "I just can't do it" and refuses to try again. And of course, no amount of praise and reassurance from Mommy can undo the damage done to his little ego. Maybe in my quest to help CJ build his self-esteem, I will find a way to heal myself.

Dragons + Stomach Bugs + Cigarettes = Life

2006-04-21T08:18:00.000-04:00

I certainly haven't meant to be neglectful to my blog. Life has sped up considerably for us these days. So, since I have a moment to sit here and contemplate the cards we've been dealt the past two weeks, I will bring you all up to date ... which means a long entry (but with lots of pictures that blogger has thrown haphazardly all over the post).

I finally got a decent picture of CJ sporting his new haircut. I love it. He loves it. We're all happy. He's especially happy because he is now five years old. These pictures were all taken on his birthday. My parents built him (and Hunterman) a huge sandbox with an alligator and dragon thrown in for good measure. The boys have spent many, many hours already in that sandbox -- which means I can't keep our floors clean and we've had to treat Hunterman for a diaper rash because of all the sand he pours down his pants!

I did end up baking and decorating CJ's birthday cake. I took the easy way out though and bought figurines to go on top of the cake. It served its purpose and gave CJ two extra toys for his birthday. I'm worried that his requests for birthday cakes will only become more challenging as his imagination continues to soar.

His party theme was "Knights" -- so it was only appropriate that the guest of honor was a Knight for the day.

I think I've been having nightmares about this alligator. CJ swears he really moves --- just very slowly.

We've slain a few dragons ourselves the past two weeks. Ed was in a motorcycle accident one day last week. Luckily he was not injured at all. The bike has a few scratches and the front fender is bent, but I think it only adds character. Ed, however, feels sick everytime he looks at it now. Ed believes I jinxed him that morning by telling him to be extra careful on the bike because I knew he was tired and his reflexes would be a little slower. I didn't tell him at that time that I had a nightmare the night before where he was killed in a motorcycle accident. My Mom also dreamed that he was hurt in a bike accident that same night. Maybe the fact that we're Aquarians has a bit to do with our prophetic dreams. We've also had to battle a stomach bug. It's made its rounds with all 3 boys twice now. It hit CJ as we sat down to eat his birthday dinner (he requested steak, spinach salad, broccoli, corn on the cob). He wasn't able to eat a single bite of dinner, but he did manage a couple bites of his cake. Ed missed a day of work to suffer silently (well, whiningly) on our couch. It didn't slow Hunterman down much. He would just come get me to change his diaper every hour.

This week our biggest challenge has been allergies. Hunterman comes to me every 30 minutes or so to clean his nose. CJ now has the full-blown coughing, sneezing, congested mess. I hate keeping him on his allergy/asthma medication because it causes behavioral/sleeping problems with him. If he isn't better by Monday, I'll have to bite the bullet and give it to him.

Ed has now been 43 hours without a cigarette. I am so proud of him and soooooo very grateful that he hasn't resorted to being the "GROUCH". He truly seems to be ready to quit. I have to believe that it is related to the news that his Mom probably has throat cancer. They won't know for sure until after the biopsy surgery, but the surgeon was not very optimistic that the 3 masses in her throat were benign. Although Ed is not really a "Momma's Boy", he is extremely protective of his Mom and not able to see her suffer in any way.

That's about all my brain can remember for now. I do have a sad story to share but that will have to wait till another day. I must get into the shower and get ready for a day of chauffeuring and running errands. Happy weekend to all!!

Self-Discovery

2006-04-10T17:05:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the graphic nature of the second picture. I was twelve years old in these photos. They were taken one month after "The Accident". Brief version: a group of 8 girls were headed to a church camp. The driver of our car ran a stop sign she never saw. As we crossed the intersection we were hit on the driver side by a 18-wheeler logging truck. There were no fatalities. One girl was thrown from the car and landed on her head. She was in a coma for a while but recovered completely. The rest of us suffered broken bones and such. I was the lucky one that suffered broken bones and basically had the side of my face sliced open. The exact laundry list goes like this: six broken ribs, punctured & collapsed lung, ruptured spleen, broken collarbone, bruised kidneys and liver, broken jaw in two places, lost two teeth and lost most of my right outer ear. Yes, I almost died. I was on life support for a couple of days. I don't remember much because of the drugs. I do remember a nurse in ICU handing me a mirror so I could see the damage. I didn't recognize the basketball-sized face looking back at me. In those few seconds that I searched for something familiar in my facial features, I lost a HUGE chunk of my self-esteem. Of course I was at a very precarious age for a girl ... I was twelve. Up to the moment of that accident, I considered myself to be a "Brunette Barbie" with freckles. I was sassy, outspoken, vivacious, outgoing, prissy ... essentially, I was ready to rule the world at 12. My goals at the time switched between being a model, a TV news anchor, or a Sports broadcaster (until I reached the ripe old age of 45, then I would become President). There was always a smile on my face and there were no such things as strangers in my world. And you better believe I was BOY CRAZY! After the initial hospitalization, I endured many outpatient facial reconstruction plastic surgeries. We found a surgeon that created a new outer ear for me using my very own rib cartilage and skin from my right thigh. In ninth grade I told my parents and the surgeon that I had reached my limits emotionally and that I could not go through with another surgery. I told them that I would just have to learn to live with the way I looked and other people would have to learn to live with it, too. Some days I regret that decision just because I never did learn to live with the scars. I must admit that I learned some very valuable lessons during that time. I began to understand that you "do not judge a book by its cover." I tried to believe that "beauty is only skin deep." Although I learned to apply these cliches to how I dealt with others, I had a problem applying them to myself when I had to go to school with bandages wrapped around my head and scabby, oozing patches on my face. I put on a brave front. The kids never knew how deeply they cut me with their whispers, jokes and insults. And to this day I would never admit to any of them the power their words and actions still have on me. Even though the scars are not nearly as noticeable now, I still hear the whispers, jokes and insults when I gain weight; when my hair goes gray; when I don't wear makeup; when I see a woman that I know Ed would find attractive. The voices are with me every day. I've never learned how to silence them and I'm afraid I never will at this point. Of course, no one knows this .... not my parents, not Ed, not my children, not my friends. No one, but you.

Questions from a 5-year Old .... Help Me, Please

2006-04-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Technically he's not five yet. Give him one more week. However, he has me perplexed. I have become accustomed to his frequent, rapid-fire inquisitions, but this week he decided to take things to a whole new level. A level I'm not prepared for, evidently.

Example 1
CJ: Mommy, what are clouds for?
Me: Well, the clouds are made of water vapor and the
clouds make rain.
CJ: I know that. But what are they for when it is not
raining? What are they doing up in the sky on a
sunny day?

Example 2 (watching Chronicles of Narnia for the 3rd time)
CJ: Mommy, where are those people that have to run from the planes and bombs?
Me(naively unaware of the consequences of my next response): They were in a country that was in a war.
CJ: What is war?
Me (horrified): Well, war is when two or more countries disagree about something and they aren't able to talk it out. They get really angry at each other and send their soldiers away in airplanes and tanks to fight over it.
CJ: But Mommy, you say it is ugly for kids to fight. Can I fight when I am a man like Ed and Repa?
Me: (more horrified): No, not exactly, sweetheart. If you are a soldier when you are a man and your country is at war, you may have to fight. But if you're not a soldier and we're not at war, then you shouldn't fight. (Silently thanking God that Ed is not here to argue this point with me!)
CJ: But Mommy, why don't the soldier mans talk to each other and use manners and good words, like kids have to do?
Me (beginning to feel completely defeated and worthless as a Mom): It's really not up to the solldiers, son. Fighting in a war if our country is in one is part of their job. So they have to go fight when their boss tells them to.
CJ (more determined than ever): But Mommy, you think the boss man's mommy didn't teach him good manners?
Me: Son, I think that when you take care of a country things are a bit more complicated than that. CJ: What?
Me: I think going to war is a bit harder than just using good manners.
CJ: Mommy, it's not that hard. I know it's when the good guys fight the bad, mean guys. And the bad, mean guys won't use good manners so the soldiers have to shot them so they don't teach kids to be ugly.
Me: Close enough for now. Can we please watch the movie?
CJ: But that's what we been doing.

Example #3
CJ: Mommy, something funky going on in the living room.
Me: Funky? What do you mean?
CJ: You know, funky. These things just fell off the TV (holding up 2 pieces of paper) and I not did it. See, it's funky in there.
Me: I think strange is a better word than funky. And I'm sure the ceiling fan just blew them off the TV. Nothing strange about that.
CJ: No, Mommy. It's fun....strange in there. I cut the lights and fan off. The fan don't blow things when it's off. See? Strange.
Me: I really don't think it is anything to be excited about.
CJ: Well, Mommy, you should know that it was my Daddy. You know, my Daddy in Heaven?
Me (already cringing): Yes, son. I know who your Daddy is. Why do you think it was Daddy?
CJ: Well, he sometimes plays with me like that. 'Member when he scratched my leg to wake me up a little while a go?
Me: I remember you said that something had scratched your leg and it woke you up. I didn't know it was Daddy.
CJ: Well, it was. And you 'member when he pushed me the other day and almost make me fall down?
Me (rubbing my eyes and forehead): No, I don't remember that. You didn't tell me that you thought your Daddy pushed you.
CJ: Well, he did. He was only playing with me. He's inbisible, you know?
Me: Well, Baby. I know that we can't see him any more, but we can always talk to him whenever we want.
CJ: Mommy, I know that! But why is Daddy in Heaven inbisible if he wants to play with me?
Me: Hon, I really don't know the answer to that.
CJ: But Mommmmm.....how can I know evrything if you don't tell me what I need to know?
Me: Let's go get milkshakes!! Want a milkshake?

So, folks. You see why I haven't had the energy to post anything this week. I did have an idea though. How can I get CJ into one of those "Town Hall" meetings with the Presidential candidates so he can ask THEM questions?

A Hair to Pick

2006-03-31T07:54:00.000-05:00

Oh no, that can't be MY head!!!

Please Mommy, DO SOMETHING NOW!

Yes, folks. This is the hair nightmare I deal with every morning. It takes a lot of detangler and mousse to make this head manageable. Of course, my solution would be to cut the curls, but alas, I'm in the minority around here. For some reason, my husband and parents believe Hunterman's innocence will be lost forever when we shed his curls. They just don't understand!!!

I attempted to take a picture of CJ's new haircut to give you a before and after on that hellish head, but every shot I took of CJ, he posed like a supermodel on drugs. Until I can sneak a candid shot, you will just have to take my word that Momma is LOVIN' his hair these days! It actually allows me more time to work on Hunterman's head now before we scurry out of the house each day.

By the way, if my post sounds wickedly insane today, please forgive me. I'm on a new medication and for some reason the boys conspired to make sure I didn't sleep much last night. CJ had one of his now rare nightmares and although it only took five minutes to calm him (at 3 am), I was unable to get back to sleep for quite some time. It seems my Mommy radar went on high alert after the 3 am disturbance. Then at 6 am, a little, tiny ray of light made it's way into Hunterman's "Dark Room" and it shook him from his sleep and put his lungs in high gear. (Thank God it is daylight savings time this weekend!! I may lose an hour of sleep initially but I will earn it back by Hunterman sleeping later!) Unfortunately, I cannot make good use of the early start because Hunterman insists on a nap 3 hours after waking -- so I have 20 minutes to wrap up the post!

Last night/predawn morning, as I comforted CJ and held him in my arms, I had a flashback of the 3 darkest minutes of my entire life. Two highway patrolmen arrived at my office one morning 3 years ago to deliver the news of my first husband's fatal car crash. When they stated that the time of death was 7:20 am, my heart shattered. That was the time CJ's Dad would have been taking him to day care. I immediately asked the officer's "What about my Baby?" "Where is my Baby?" The officers looked at each other and one of them responded, "Ma'am, we cannot confirm nor deny that your child was in the automobile at this time. We are still waiting for that information." I remember screaming and being overcome with sobs. I remember the officers insisted I sit down to catch my breath. And as insensitive as this may sound in regards to CJ's Dad's death, I remember the complete relief that washed over me when my boss came in the room and told me that CJ was safely at day care at the time of the accident. Of course after that news soaked in, I began to grieve for CJ's Dad. Holding and rocking CJ gently, I couldn't help but thank God for sparing him that tragic morning.

I know, that's a bit depressing. But it shouldn't be. It should be a reason to celebrate and frolic on this beautiful spring day. When the little ones get a bit difficult to deal with today, instead of pulling your hair out and counting, just give them a hug. And I will try to shake the cobwebs from my brain and do the same. Happy Weekend, everyone!

This 'n' That

2006-03-28T07:54:00.000-05:00

Well, my first day of part-time employment has come and gone. And I loved it. I had a great afternoon with the boys and even managed to get CJ to a haircut appointment. I will definitely have to post a picture of him with his new cut -- he looks like a different kid, but still absolutely adorable. I would love to cut Hunterman's curls but Ed is set against that. He's not the one that has to use a detangler and mousse on Hunterman's head before we can leave the house!!

I was able to work during the quiet times (Hunterman's nap) during the day and of course I got a lot accomplished after the boys went down for the night (8:30 pm). Since Ed and I work for the same company, he didn't mind sharing the couch with me, my report binder and a couple of highlighters! We actually had an adult conversation that did not involve the boys activities or antics!

In other news, we had a short outing with another Mom and her two sons last week. We went to a huge soccer field and let the boys fly a kite. CJ and her oldest one were more interested in playing hide and seek and tag, but the younger boys really enjoyed it. She's the first Mom that has actually followed thru on a planned playdate and we both enjoyed ourselves. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with time to time.

We have begun preparations for CJ's fifth birthday party. We are approx. 2 weeks away from the big day. Of course an hour doesn't go by that he doesn't remind me of this fact. I have made and decorated every birthday cake CJ (and Hunterman) has ever had, but I'm considering going to a professional bakery for this one. I'm not sure I can do his request justice (or win his approval). He wants a "Knight" themed birthday with a big, red, fierce dragon on the center of his cake. I think I can manage a big, red, silly dragon ... fierce, not likely. His wish list has remained fairly consistent for the past 3 months, therefore presents should be the easiest aspect of the whole event!

Also, my parents will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary next week. They had no idea they had reached a milestone. I considered doing a big shin-dig to mark the occasion but my parents really want it low-key. It looks like I'll be making reservations at a very nice restaurant and sending money along with my Dad to pay for it. They get a little intimidated when they go somewhere they've never been before -- but hopefully they can manage a small dinner by themselves!! (Again, these are relatively young people we are talking about here -- 50 and 56. Sometimes I wonder where my sense of adventure came from!!)

Okay, enough rambling for now. There is housework to be done, playtime to be enjoyed, grocery shopping to be dreaded, and work to be done somewhere in between!

Jinxed No More

2006-03-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

What a difference a few hours can make!! Blogger likes me now, as you can see and my blood is not even close to simmering! But I'll still rant for the fun of it.
I did a post on Tuesday singing the praises of my parents and rightly so. However, I had a conversation with them last night regarding my plans for CJ's venture into kindergarten and we didn't exactly see eye-to-eye. CJ will be attending a dual language Montessori school. Ed and I went to an informational Q&A session at the school last night so we could decide whether we want CJ in the "Enrichment" program or the "Immersion" program. The Enrichment program would be a typical Montessori kindergarten program with 45 minutes of Spanish instruction per day. The Immersion program would mean that the children receive their core instruction in Spanish anywhere from 50-70% of the day with the remaining instruction being done in English. I explained to my parents that we intend to enroll CJ in the Immersion program. Of course, the immersion program would be much more challenging for the kindergarten year but that challenge would decrease the following years as his brain would "rework" itself to learn the dual languages. Also, with the immersion program, the children will be functionally bilingual by the time they are in 5th grade. I was attempting to explain this to my parents when it became obvious that they thought this was quite "off the wall". My Dad even commented that this might as well be the "United States of Mexico". With my Dad it became very much a political issue. With my Mom, she expressed concern that CJ would not be allowed to "express himself" in a way that he is comfortable and that she didn't want him to feel "different" from other children. It didn't seem to matter to them that he would be in a classroom with 20 other children, 18 of whom only speak English (like CJ) and only 2 that speak Spanish. CJ would be in the majority AND he can speak to his teacher and classmates in English (how else would he be able to communicate????). I also stressed how I took four years of Spanish in high school (even belonged in the National Spanish Honor Society, yippee!!) and 3 semesters in college and to this day, I cannot speak Spanish or comprehend it in conversation. With CJ learning it at such an early age, he will be much more fluent than I ever was and it will only open the door to other languages if he were ever interested. Needless to say, I was hurt because my parents were questioning my judgment on a matter that means a lot to me. They made me question my own instincts and goals for my children.
My Mom called earlier today to apologize for their response to my decision last night. She thought about what I had told them and she agreed it would be a good thing to try. She stated that her protests were coming from her own insecurities (which began in her childhood) and not from any doubts she has regarding my parenting skills. She realizes that I know CJ better than any one else and if I think this will work for him then I have her complete support. She also stated that I should ignore Dad's comments because they are politically based and not grounded in any type of parental or academic reasoning. I told my Mom that parenting is hard enough without feeling like my family doubts my abilities or decision-making skills. And with the insecurities that I have as a Mom it would be extremely important to have her and Dad support me, Ed and CJ in this endeavor. She agreed. Enough about that!!
I met with my potential employers yesterday. I explained my marketing vision for their company and was very upfront about the fact that I would be working from home until CJ enters kindergarten in the fall. I also stated my salary requirement was non-negotiable. I want to work by the hour from home for the next 3 months and we could revisit the arrangements at that time. They will be getting back to me by early next week. We'll see what happens!
I found out last night that Ed can't read my blog. He states that every time he tries he ends up "teary-eyed" and that makes him uncomfortable. He really can't tell me what on this blog makes him so tender-hearted except that in some of my posts he thinks I flatter him too much. I promised I would bitch about him as soon as he gave me a good reason. He stated he definitely wouldn't be reading it then!!

Time Out

2006-03-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

Oh, I have so much to say today. However, I have no time this morning to get it all out. Blogger just ate up about 15 minutes of my time by NOT uploading any of my photos and I am rebelling by not doing a proper post until I can upload a photo. Anyway, I will attempt again this afternoon which may be a good thing. Maybe my blood won't be boiling by then.

Neighbors

2006-03-21T08:15:00.000-05:00

When Ed and I offered a few acres of land to my parents so they could build a house and live next door, we considered all the downfalls of this particular situation. We prepared ourselves for a complete lack of privacy; constant, unannounced visits; requests for favors or help; the encroachment of their opinions into our personal matters, etc. To this day, we have not dealt with any of that. As a matter of fact, having my parents as neighbors has made our lives a lot easier and better in many ways. My Mom and I are constantly exchanging leftovers, entire entrees, desserts, bottles of liquor (for an occasional Cosmo), magazines, books, rented movies and clothes. Whenever my parents are headed to town, they call and ask if there is anything they can get for us while they are out (that's a big deal when town is 30 minutes away!). If we are going to be out of town for a couple of days, my Dad insists on taking care of our dog(s, now) and checks to make sure our house is locked up tight.
However, all of this pales in comparison to what they do for our boys. As you know, CJ is almost 5 years old ... what you don't know is that he has NEVER stayed with a babysitter. Yes, he did go to daycare when I worked, but I have never hired a babysitter to watch him while Ed and I go out for a night on the town. Which means Hunterman also has never had a babysitter. Unless you call Neicy and Repa (what the boys call my Mom and Dad) babysitters. My Mom calls me almost every other day to ask if the boys want to come down and play for a while. Every Friday, she calls and asks if she can keep one or both of the boys for the night (or sometimes, for the entire weekend). Obviously, I don't take her up on all the offers; I would never see my boys past 5 p.m. if I did. But it is nice to have a few minutes of quiet to fold clothes, watch a little news or read a few blogs. The boys are the ones that are really reaping the benefits, though. At Neicy and Repa's house they are constantly doing arts and crafts projects, going on magical adventures, playing ball, taking hikes, "helping" Repa build a piece of furniture or make a minor house repair, playing dress-up (yes, boys enjoy it, too -- esp. if they are "Superheroes"), cooking, playing with musical instruments (guitars, banjos, and fiddles -- real ones ... expensive ones), weaving on a real loom, picking flowers, making flower arrangements (shaking my head on that one, too), reading stories, searching for bugs and frogs, dancing ......... the list could go on and on.
Finally at 18 months, Hunterman is just as excited as CJ to go visit Neicy and Repa. He will go to our front door and point and call for Neicy when he's ready to escape from me. He excitedly follows Big Brother down the hill for a well-deserved visit and a much anticipated adventure. I sometimes worry that the boys are too much for my parents to handle, especially since they both work full-time jobs and deserve a life even more than I do. My Mom gets pissed at me when I bring this up and assures me that the boys always makes them feel younger and more vibrant. I kinda laugh 'cause they make me feel old and worn out!! I know the day is coming when I will need to find a "hired" babysitter, but who can ever live up to the expectations my little ones now have??

**The picture above is the entrance to the "Creek Path" in my parents' backyard. They have built a small bridge across the tiny creek that goes along their property line so that CJ and Hunterman can explore and watch all the "creatures" (sharks, lions, penguins) in the woods there.

Too Funny

2006-03-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

I walked in on CJ and Hunterman playing "House and
School" yesterday. I found CJ with his Batman pajama bottoms on his head. When I asked why he had pajamas on his head, he replied, "This is my night cap Mommy!"

Silly me. Anyone up for a nightcap??

Finally, Dawson's Creek Spin-off: Part II, Conclusion

2006-03-17T11:49:00.000-05:00

One Sunday afternoon, I was giving Box's mom a needed break and keeping Box company. He was still in a coma but no longer in CCICU. Box was able to flail his arms about in agitation (or what we assumed was agitation) and he would occasionally blink. The neurosurgeon was doing rounds and stopped in to check on Box. He asked me how I was related to him and I stated that Box's mom always introduced me to folks as Box's best friend/soul mate/sister/girlfriend/second mother. The Dr. found this a reasonable enough answer and told me that Box had not only sustained the initial brain injury from the accident but had also suffered several strokes because of the injury. He informed me that even if Box did come out of his coma, it was apparent that there would be a significant amount of brain damage and that unfortunately, Box "will never be the same 'Box'" again. I asked him if he had shared this information with Box's mother. He told me that he and several colleagues had told her this and that she always responded that "God would provide them with a miracle". I asked the Dr. if Box could hear me when I spoke to him, to which he responded "Only God and Box know the answer to that." I returned to Box's side, put my head on his sunken chest and said my good-bye. I told him that he had meant the world to me and that I would never let a day go by that I didn't think of him and the joy he had brought me. I apologized for not being strong enough to continue visiting him and supporting him. I then played his favorite song for him one last time, Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven and when his mother returned a few minutes later, I left quietly. Last I heard, Box did come out of the coma. He spent at least a year in a rehab facility and then returned to his home where his Mom takes care of him. Yesterday, the girl in the park assured me that Box had suffered quite a bit of brain damage and that he was not at all the person I once loved. Somehow I expected this information to be a relief for me as I've wondered over the years if I gave up on Box too soon. But it wasn't a relief ... it saddened me even more. As I watched CJ run and jump around the playground I mourned for not only the death of his Daddy in Heaven but also the life of his "Uncle Box", the one that wanted to take him fishing but can't. I grieved for Hunterman, knowing that he would be such a joy to "Uncle Box" with all of his energy and his love for the outdoors. And yes, I selfishly grieved for the loss of my soul mate/best friend. I was also overcome again with waves of guilt. Guilt for abandoning him; guilt for not staying in touch with his family; guilt for having an amazing family of my own now; guilt for not living up to my designation as soul mate for Box.

Sadly, Dawson's Creek Spin-Off: Part I

2006-03-17T08:04:00.000-05:00

Warning: This is a long post filled with early adulthood angst and suppressed emotions. Do not read if you are allergic to boredom or "Dawson Creek".

I ran into a girl from high school yesterday at the park. She is two years younger than I am but her brother and I graduated together. Her brother was one of my many "boyfriends" during elementary school. She and I caught up a bit on each other's life. I was introducing the boys to her and I made the comment that CJ was actually named after one of her brother's best friends. She seemed a bit surprised but I explained that "Box" and I were very close friends until his car accident. She asked me if I had seen him since the accident (Sept. 1993). This conversation brought up a lot of painful memories and very raw emotions of guilt. You see, Box and I were soul mates. I'm not saying that we were meant to be together romantically, because we weren't. However, we had a supernatural bond that allowed us to feel what the other felt and to know what the other was thinking, without words and even being 60 miles apart while I was in college. It was almost as if he and I had been twins and separated at birth. We always "got" each other. And yes, we did try the romantic/intimate thing -- for two weeks. I think we needed each other but without all the insecurities that come with that type of relationship. We knew we needed to live a little and there were still many folks out there that we were interested in. So, soul mates we remained. To be honest, Box was a gorgeous guy. He was tall (at least 6'2"), lean with a six-pack for abs, tan, dark hair and beautiful brown eyes that could seduce a woman like a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. When he wasn't smiling, he had a smirk on his face like he knew your deepest, darkest secrets -- and in my case, he did. Even hanging out as soul mates/friends, we would just naturally hold hands or sit with my head on his chest with his arm casually slung across my shoulder. I'll never forget the day that Box's mom wanted us to try an "experiment". She wanted to see if we could feel each other's aura. Yeah, I rolled my eyes at her, too but agreed to give it a try. She had Box and I stand about six feet apart with our hands up, palms out toward each other. She then told us to slowly move toward each other until we felt a "wall" between us. Box and I were cracking up but we proceeded to do as we were told. All of a sudden we both jumped as if we had been shocked -- the smiles faded and we stared at each other. We had hit a very hot, invisible wall, approx. 3 or 4 feet from each other. Box's mom started talking about "auras", connections, spirits, etc. -- I really don't recall because I was focused on Box. He had continued to walk toward me until he could touch my hands and we stood there palms to palms, soaking each other in. I know, I know. I can only imagine the amount of eye-rolling and gagging occurring right now, but it was a powerful moment for the two of us. Anyway ... we went on with our lives -- he dated many girls, I dated CJ's Dad. We graduated high school. I went to college (with CJ's Dad) and Box lived at home and found a job. We would call each other whenever "The Force" told us to do so. We had brief visits when I came home for holidays. Freshman year came and went for me. Sophomore year held many promises -- I had my very own apartment (meaning CJ's Dad stayed any time we wanted); I was taking some great classes in my major; I was making fantastic grades; I was developing friendships that I thought would last a lifetime -- then CJ's Dad's Mom died. Our lives were turned upside down. CJ's Dad's Mom was the one that held that family together. And CJ's Dad was her "Golden Boy". CJ's Dad wanted to quit college, but I urged him on. I did everything I could to make life easier for CJ's Dad, even at the expense of my classes and grades. CJ's Dad became very withdrawn and depressed and worse, he refused to grieve. He was in denial -- he denied that he was becoming emotionally isolated, he denied that he couldn't grieve, he denied that he was hurt, afraid, lonely, etc. Where does Box fit into all this? Well, Box was my rock during this turmoil. He talked to me, he listened to me cry, he made me laugh hysterically. He was with me -- well, on the phone with me -- the first time I ever got tipsy. And, he was the one that urged me not to give up on CJ's Dad and would ask me simple questions like, "Can you really imagine your life without CJ's Dad??" He would tell me how he wanted to be "Uncle Box" to my children and be the one to teach them how to fish, drink Mountain Dew with peanuts, and appreciate the Dallas Cowboys. I saw Box once during the summer before my Junior year. I spent the afternoon at his house, talking, laughing, listening to music. That would be the last time I saw Box, conscious that is. Labor Day weekend 2003 I tried to call Box several times -- I had a sinking feeling in my gut that I couldn't explain and I needed to talk to him. Two days later I received a call from Box's Mom -- my heart broke into a million pieces when I heard her voice. Before she could get any words out, I told her, "Tell me he's not dead. He can't be dead." She started crying and said that Box was not dead, but he was hurt very, very badly. He was in a head-on collision with another pick-up truck. The driver of the other truck died instantly. Box was thrown from his truck (he wasn't fond of seat belts) and he was in a coma. I told her I needed to make some arrangements but that I would get to the hospital as soon as possible. When I arrived at the ICU waiting room, Box's big brother sat me down to explain to me in detail what I would see when I went in to see Box. He told me about the abrasions, the swelling of his face and chest, the discoloration of his skin and the tubes coming from his skull. He told me that they didn't know if Box could hear or comprehend anything around him but that Box would need me to be strong and cheerful. I was also told I only had 10 minutes an hour to visit since we were in the Critical Care ICU. Box's brother forfeited his visit the next time around so that I could go with Box's Mom to see him. Even the painful memories of my own devastating car accident in '85 did not prepare me for the way I would feel when I walked in and saw my best friend/soul mate lying there. I forced a smile and held back the tears as I took his hand in mine and my first thought was "He's no longer mine." I don't exactly remember what I said to him, but I talked non-stop (imagine that!) until our time was up. I walked back into the waiting room and broke down. I cried all the tears that I had held back from my own car accident, from CJ's Dad's Mom dying and from Box's condition. Box's brother held me until the last tear had dried. He whispered to me not to give up hope yet but that I also needed to begin to prepare for the possibility that Box might not come back to us. I spent the night there that night. And the next and the next. I would drive the hour back to college each day to mechanically attend my classes, only to return each evening in hopes that my presence would draw Box back to me. Life continued like this for two months.
I'll take a break here to regroup and see if Blogger is going to cancel my account because of the length of the post or the possibility that I have broken some unwritten blogging rules about "angst and drama".

Maternal Pondering

2006-03-14T08:53:00.000-05:00

For the first time in a long while, the boys (and Jax) were up before the sun this morning. Unfortunately, they haven't been very chipper either. I have stopped 4 almost-fights, sent CJ to his room twice, put Hunterman in time-out twice, rocked and sung to each of them twice, handed out all breakfast items left in the house and have put Hunterman down for his first nap. It is amazing how they can just throw routines/rituals/rules right out the window whenever they desire. So, it got me to thinking about other maternal brain teasers:

1. If M&M's don't melt in your hand, then how on Earth can they melt on a child's face??
2. How can children remember where they saw a piece of candy in the van 3 months ago but can't remember where they took their shoes off 10 minutes ago?
3. How can a toddler eat twice his weight in food everyday for a month and not gain an ounce, but if I eat more than 2 slices of bread and drink more than 1 glass of water in one day, then I gain 10 pounds that week?
4. Isn't it amazing how a child can be screaming and crying as if the world were ending one second and then break out into the most heartwearming smile that glistens with tears the next?
5. How can a 4 year old put together a 100-piece puzzle all by himself in a half-hour but cannot find his 3 foot Megazord toy lying two feet away from him without your help? (Nevermind, he's male. Silly question!)
6. Why is it that an 18-month old insists on a nap just 3 hours after waking up that morning, but refuses to nap during the next 9 hours before bedtime?
7. Why is it that my children will only eat cereal, salad, asparagus, sandwiches, pot roast, chicken and casseroles off my plate and not their own?
8. Do siblings have some unspoken contract that demands they "team up" against Mommy no matter how mad they are at each other?
9. Why is a toy from the Dollar Tree so much more "awesome" than an expensive one from Toys'r'Us? (Awesome from the child's point of view -- I know why it's awesome from Mommy's point of view!)
10. How do they know at such young ages that a big hug and sweet kiss before bedtime sets Mommy's world back right, no matter what happened that day?

If you know any of the answers, I'd be very grateful. I fear I'm at quite the disadvantage with these boys some days because 1) I'm female and 2) I am an only-child.

By the way -- I'm not the one that gave Hunterman a bag of M&M's to do with as he pleased (that would be Daddy) -- but I am the one that had to clean up Hunterman's (and Daddy's) mess.

The Good Life

2006-03-13T15:50:00.000-05:00

I came to a very startling realization yesterday as I cruised along on the back of Ed's Harley Davidson Sportster enjoying the fresh air rushing into my lungs and the sunshine warming me to the bone --- I have a good life. I almost put "we" have a good life, but I don't like to speak for Ed. And please don't think I'm bragging about my life or our motorcycle, 'cause I'm not. The motorcycle was a dream of Ed's that I was able to give to him before current domestic/financial demands were placed upon us (brought upon ourselves). And our life together has survived some turbulent, traumatic events. But as we were rumbling along yesterday, each in our own "mental" worlds, I realized that we have been steadily climbing a peak of happiness that has surpassed all other "happy peaks" in our pasts. Of course, financially we love to dream of a bigger house, exotic travel, a Harley Davidson Fat Boy, tickets to the NCAA Men's basketball tournament, etc. -- but we are thrilled to be where we are in life. All the children are healthy and doing very well; Ed loves his new job; CJ won the charter school lottery and will be going to our school of choice; I've rediscovered my passion for writing and photography; the boys have a very loving and close relationship with my parents (who live next door); our puppy Jax has been the perfect addition to our home and family; the list could go on and on. I realized that I need to take more time each day and thank God for all He's provided us and to truly count my blessings. I need to lighten up and embrace the "Good Times" and stop worrying about any valleys that may be ahead.

Spring is Here

2006-03-11T18:35:00.000-05:00

I took these outside this morning while Ed had the kids working in the garden. Enjoy!

Outdoorsy Favorite Spot

2006-03-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

If you squint your eyes and try to peer beyond the leaves, you will see a statue of a gnome. He is sitting over an inground fountain that has not been used in years. A beautiful Japanese maple provides ample shelter in the spring and summer. It's almost like a secret garden ... but it's not a garden. I'm thinking of buying a new pump and returning this little gnome's home to it's full glory.

Now, I need to locate a serene place for a hammock -- a place I can go to while Ed gets the boys to "help" in the garden.

Memories

2006-03-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

Farm Girl's post of her favorite spot motivated me to photograph and describe my own favorite spot in our house. Yes, you've seen numerous "favorite corner" posts all over blog land. This spot is located AT a corner as you can see. And PLEASE pardon the dust. It is one of the few spots CJ is not yet able to reach (he is already 4 ft tall and not even 5 yrs old yet) therefore, I spend my time cleaning messes lower to the ground.

Let's start at the top right and work our way down. The top photo is one I found years ago at a street festival in Durham. It portrays several raccoons sitting among the swamp trees, somewhere in Florida. I absolutely love raccoons and actually had 3 as pets as a child. Yes, Ed is a hunter -- but raccoons are off limits! Next down is a painting of a divi divi tree and fisherman's boat in Aruba. I purchased it during our last trip to Aruba. The last photo is a photograph of a beach in Aruba. I took some amazing photos during our 2 trips, but I couldn't capture the colors the way this picture did.

Now, for the various odds and ends on top of the bookshelf, left to right: A plastic fishbowl filled with sea shells ... we brought this back from our anniversary trip this past weekend. We ordered a $20, 48 oz. fruit cocktail to share and they served it in this plastic fishbowl. The shells are the ones we collected on the abandoned beaches during our trip. The reason it is now on top of the bookshelf is because I grew very tired of hearing the boys fight over the shells! Next is my favorite non-jewelry gift from Ed, a beautiful globe decorated with gemstones that he purchased in Aruba. Travel is part of my soul so I admire globes, maps, postcards, etc. I fell in love with a similar globe during my and Ed's first trip to Aruba. Ed remembered this and went on a search for the globe during our visit in September. We were lucky that it made it back to the states unscathed as we had to check it with the airlines on our return. It's hard to see, but in the back next to the globe is a small gray gargoyle ... CJ asked me to put it there for safekeeping. So there it sits. Also belonging to CJ is the Lion King snowglobe. Ed bought it for CJ during a shopping trip they took together when CJ was only 2 yrs old. I believe that shopping trip resulted in Ed buying anything CJ pointed his little finger at. They are no longer allowed to go shopping together!! Behind the snow globe is a postcard purchased in Aruba. Again, I love the colors. And that brings us to my favorite photo of CJ ever taken. I believe he was somewhere around 16-18 months in the photo that was shot at his day care. The portrait studio provided the props, clothes, everything. And I know you can't see it clearly here, but I absolutely adore the way he has his feet turned in, touching each other. He did that a lot as a baby when he was excited. Lastly, the brown and beige jar contains a bunch of marbles belonging to CJ's Daddy in Heaven. I sometimes let CJ play with them when Hunterman is down for a nap. CJ sorts them, admires them, explains to me what each one reminds him of and then carefully puts them back into their ceramic home. CJ's Dad was a kid at heart -- so the marbles are a wonderful reminder of his spirit.

That was actually therapeutic. It gets so chaotic around here I take for granted our many treasures and most times I don't even notice them. Great exercise to reconnect!

Crossroads

2006-03-09T09:12:00.000-05:00

I'm at a crossroads. Part of me feels elated, the other part feels guilty and terrified. I have basically been offered a job as a marketing director for the company my husband works for. The pay would be great, the hours very flexible and the coworkers wonderful. I would be doing something I love and I would be rewarded monetarily for it. However, taking the job would mean putting CJ into preschool for the next 5 months until kindergarten starts and Hunterman would be in day care as well. Granted, it would only be 6 hours a day, but I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for even considering working when I don't have to. I try to justify it by saying that Hunterman needs the socialization with children his own age (hard to find out here in the country) but ultimately I know that I'll be making this decision for my own good, not theirs. Does that make me a horrible mother????!!!!???? I have about a week to make my decision. I don't know what I'm going to do ... my answer changes by the hour around here.

Genetic Soup

2006-03-07T08:23:00.000-05:00

Hunterman has me thinking about my biological father a lot lately. As you can tell by the endearing term "biological father", he and I aren't very close. He left my Mom when I was just a baby and I never laid eyes on him again until I was 13 years old. It's a bit ironic ... I wouldn't have ever met him if I hadn't almost died the summer before. That's a post for another day. The point now is that facing death made me want to learn about my roots. So my Mom arranged a visit for me to meet my biological father and grandmother. My grandmother was very warm, sweet and a little crazy. My father was anxious, scattered, more than a little weird but very handsome. It appears that years and years of alcohol and drugs had withered whatever brain cells my father had been born with. I do remember that our conversations that day always circled back to Indians and that he really wanted my Mom to name me Princess Moonbeam. Thank God my Mom really loved me!! I haven't seen Indian Drug Man since that day. He did send me a few birthday and Christmas cards and 2 tickets to see Genesis until I turned 18. Once I hit 18, my biological grandmother took over his fatherly "duties" and sent me cards and flowers whenever she remembered me -- until I was 21. I called my grandmother a couple of times a year until 2002 -- when I realized that Alzheimer's had claimed her and that she truly had no idea who I was. To this day I don't know whatever became of Indian Drug Man ... most of the time I'm relieved and then there are moments, like when I look in Hunterman's eyes, that it makes me sad. You see, Hunterman has Indian Drug Man's eyes. No one else in my family or Ed's have eyes anywhere near the color of Hunterman's. They are a crystal ice blue with silver ripples -- a few strangers have stopped and commented that they would be perfect marbles (how weird is that?)! I'm sure that Indian Drug Man would be proud to have a grandson, Little Chief Marble Eye, that resembled him in some way. How I pray that this is the only resemblance I ever see.

Wow!

2006-03-06T07:56:00.000-05:00

We had so much fun exploring the Outer Banks together. We saw a beautiful sunrise, fascinating wildlife, several awesome sunsets. We ate conch fritters, grilled lobster, steak, fruit, to-die-for chocolate desserts, and cereal. We drank tap water, juice, soft drinks galore, several wines, a 48 oz. fruit cocktail and my favorite, champagne. We took long walks on abandoned beaches, drove on abandoned beaches, toured a replica ship from the 1500's, gazed admiringly at 4 lighthouses, picked up a bucket of sea shells, shopped for souvenirs, soaked in a jacuzzi tub. We mourned Duke's loss to Carolina. We reveled in our love for each other. We made friends with an amazing couple from Cape Cod who have been married for 50 years. We refused to stay and eat breakfast in a restaurant with a very rude waitress and a 75 (C) grade for sanitation. We were warmly welcomed and graciously served at an upscale cafe and winery even though we arrived in jeans and wind-blown hair. We slept soundly, laughed hard and sang loudly to the radio. We missed the kids tremendously ... but enjoyed being wrapped up completely in each other. God "Bless the Broken Road" that brought us together.

Who needs to pack?

2006-03-02T14:37:00.000-05:00

I really need to be packing but I read Farm Wife's post and just had to follow the link to this mind-racking survey. I enjoyed it though.

Attentive Leader

You can run your cursor over the colored blocks to see the outcome of my personality test. Pretty cool, except the test seems to indicate I'm a "girly girl" ... and I'm not. I don't think.

Afterthoughts (or the pictures Blogger wouldn't post earlier!)

2006-03-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm the Dirty Dog of this house and PROUD of IT!

Hunterman looking very remorseful after being scolded for destroying the living room. Also, he is missing his last piece of pop-tart, probably buried under the destruction.

Laughing at my Mommy 'cause she thought I was really sorry! Ha, Ha!

Hodge Podge

2006-03-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

Aftermath of Hurricane Hunterman!

This is certainly going to be a hodge podge post as my mind is all over the place. Most of today will be spent preparing for our mini-vacation ... wash, fold and sort the laundry (why does it seem that my Mom needs at least 2 or 3 outfits per child per day when we get by with 1?); grocery shopping to stock my parent's pantry for Hunterman's ravenous appetite; bathe the puppy (an undertaking that I absolutely dread); prevent the boys from wreaking havoc as demonstrated in the picture above; and lastly, pay bills.

I actually escaped for a couple of hours last night and finally had my hair cut. I had grown it out over the past two years and it was all one length about 4 inches below my shoulders. It's still a couple of inches below my shoulders but with lots of layers that will allow me to get by some days with no time or effort put into styling it. It was truly like having a weight lifted ... from my head.

Hunterman is sleeping late this morning as a result of being up 4 different times during the night with nasal congestion. I'm afraid he has fallen victim to the full-blown cold. Now I'm debating whether I should take him and CJ to the park this afternoon ... it is forecasted to be a beautiful 70 degrees today (78 degrees tomorrow). I think I am a true believer in global warming now. Never in my 33 years do I remember a winter in which we haven't had ANY snow and temperatures that have rivaled our balmiest springs.

Also, we received our first kindergarten rejection letter of sorts. Our second choice charter school sent the lottery results letter stating that we are #224 on their waiting list. There were only 30 available spots -- and ONLY 330 applications. Bummer!

I guess that's enough rambling for now. Hopefully when I return from our trip I'll have lots of gorgeous beach pictures to share!

Marital Bliss

2006-02-27T09:01:00.000-05:00

This is my Ed. Almost two years ago I had the greatest honor when I became his wife. He has brought more joy and security into my life than I ever imagined possible ... even when I was a little girl that still believed in fairy tales. Before I fell in love with Ed, I was definitely jaded and a bit cynical about love. And to be honest, I often felt undeserving. There have been many events in my life that have caused me to question life, God and most of all, LOVE. Even through those really bad times, I knew I wanted to live and I was determined to make something of my life. And though I tried to disbelieve in God ... or blame God for certain circumstances in my life, I always failed. Deep in my heart and soul I knew that I would always fall back on the faith that God was watching over me. But love was a different story ... I always dreamed of the romantic, sweep-me-off-my-feet, turn-my-world-upside-down, until-death-do-us part, Romeo-and-Juliet love. The problem was I never waited for that type of love. Instead, in desperation, I began to latch on and "love" any male who showed any type of attraction for me. I don't mean I had sex with them ... my numbers are quite low compared to the national averages ... but I thought if I tried really hard, I could create the type of love that I believed should exist. At one point in my high school years, I thought I spotted the love I was looking for --- and I ran the other way. In my senior year of high school, I began to feel that "romantic love" for my 1st husband, but his life was turned upside down our sophomore year of college when his mother died of cancer. He was so hurt but refused to grieve. He spent all of his energy trying not to feel anything ... and he was very successful. Of course I married him anyway believing that I could "rescue" him. Needless to say, I didn't possess the abilities necessary to do that. During most of that marriage, I always felt there was a hole in my heart and that I was missing something very essential to my being. And I was.

The first stirrings I felt for Ed I attributed to purely physical desires. I didn't even want to dare think that I could find something meaningful. Even when he began to sweep-me-off-my-feet and turn-my-world-upside-down, I questioned whether I even deserved to find this kind of happiness. And when I found that every minute of my day was consumed with overpowering emotions for Ed ... I knew that I had a decision to make. I could take this leap of faith and jump into the arms of a man that made me feel more alive than I had ever felt ... or I could withdraw into myself and be a lonely, bitter single mom. I didn't want that for myself and I certainly didn't want that for CJ. With Ed, I started to let the walls come down that had barricaded my heart for some time. I opened myself up to the vulnerability and uncertainty of a new love. I was truly amazed to discover that there was a man that would love me, hold me and offer me a refuge ... and most importantly a man who would accept me with all my faults and celebrate me for all my attributes. I was overwhelmed to find a man that was willing to let down his emotional floodgates and allow me to witness tears of joy, pain, frustration and new dreams being born. Ed talked to me into all hours of the night ... he would run his fingers through my hair as he listened to my life's tale. He wouldn't hide the anger or sadness he felt as he learned about the people and events that shaped who I had become. His strong arms always offered a secure port and I would often fall asleep nestled in the crook of his arm. He was always up to an adventure ... whether it was a spontaneous trip to the beach for a weekend (we left at 8pm one night with 4 of our brood ... Hunterman was not here yet) or going bowling even though it had been years since he had donned a borrowed pair of shoes. He was quietly supportive when CJ's dad was killed and I was left to plan the memorial service and make decisions on final burial. He asked no questions when I would collapse into his arms an emotional wreck. He is the only person who volunteered to go with me to see CJ's Dad's wrangled mess of a Jeep and to collect any and all personal belongings that were left in the shattered glass and bloody metal. He understood that I needed to grieve for my first husband, dearest friend and CJ's loving Dad. He has never complained about the cluttered mess in his gun safe where I have been storing some of CJ's Dad's most valuable and sentimental possessions. Ed never once questioned changing our wedding month so that it did not coincide with the 1 year anniversary of CJ's Dad's death. He didn't even offer much of a protest when I told him that I truly wanted the 2 of us to go away on a cruise and have our wedding in Jamaica and to keep the celebration between the two of us. Although he wanted an intimate wedding at home attended by our children, family and friends he understood that I had experienced enough "drama" and that I wanted this part of our lives to ourselves. We did compromise by having the ceremony videotaped and by purchasing several hundred dollars worth of wedding/reception photos to share with our children. Ed has never made me feel like saving a penny is more important that seeing a smile on my face. And since we have been together, there have only been two occasions where he has thrown harsh words my way. And both times the apologies were accompanied by tears and both times were during some very difficult and trying events in Ed's life. And just yesterday when I was suffering from a fierce chocolate craving, he insisted we drive to Harris Teeter and fill our cart with any candy, cake, ice cream or snack that caught our fancy. He never flinched when the cashier announced the total amount (we won't go there!) and he never thought once about missing the Nascar race on TV even though he had planned his Sunday around that one event. He wants our children to see our love for each other ... he wants them to see us hold hands, hug, laugh and kiss. He wants them to know that loving someone should be joyful and celebrated. He is giving them what I always wished for as a small child.

Believe it or not, when I started this post this morning I was going to write about how I missed those stirrings of a "new" love --- the constant touches and soulful stares into each other's eyes. I was going to complain about the slow decline of romance. But this gave me the true perspective I needed. I am going to hug and kiss Ed when he walks in the door this afternoon and thank him for being mine ... and making me the luckiest woman in the world.

Batteries Plus

2006-02-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid this post will be short and sweet as my batteries are drained. I really wish I did have a battery charger -- I need it. The chaos we call "Blended Family Weekend" will be starting in less than two hours and I'm not sure how I'll survive till bedtime.

Celebrating Good Times ... and Sick Times

2006-02-23T16:15:00.000-05:00

The reservations have been made and I secretly spoke to Ed's office manager and got him the day off (no, he doesn't know yet!) so we can have a "mini-vacation" to celebrate our anniversary. Nope ... we're not headed to the Caribbean or to the mountains. We will be staying at an inn along the Outer Banks. We usually vacation at Sunset Beach, but since we won't actually be enjoying the water I thought we would try something different. I think it would be cool to see the wild horses and visit several of the lighthouses. I need to research a bit to find a really good place to eat for our anniversary dinner ... if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Hopefully, we will be fully recovered from the crud that has descended upon us. Ed has been under the weather most of the week and I feel like I'm having an invasion of the bodysnatchers. Thankfully the boys seem to be okay ... Hunterman has been a snotbox most of the winter and CJ, my allergy and asthma prone drone is the healthiest he's been since the day he was born.

Evidently my Mom has fallen in love with Jax and has talked my Dad into buying them a little shih tzu pup as well. At least Jax will have a little buddy around!

Heartwood's Jolly Jax

2006-02-22T11:47:00.000-05:00

This is the new baby. The deal is now that I agreed to a housepuppy ... we can no longer indulge in discussions of a possible human baby. How long do you think Ed will stick to this deal??

Dreamin'

2006-02-22T10:07:00.000-05:00

I am completely exhausted! It is only 10:00 am and I feel as if I have been working 12 hours straight when in truth I've only been up for 3 hours now. All I have done is take Jax (the pup) out to pee and poop about 5 times, clean the kitchen and living room, get the boys dressed and fed (twice), clean up 5 puzzles 3 different times that Hunterman insists on dumping all over the living room while big brother CJ urges him on, make a new friend, put Hunterman down for his first nap and talk to my Mom.

I don't think the weather is helping. It is rainy, cool and so bleak. I just want to get lost in planning the perfect anniversary (March 4th) escape to somewhere tropical and exotic. We took all five kids to Aruba for a week back in September, so our vacation funds are quite low (or nonexistent, but I like to sound optimistic). You would think that trip would be enough to satisfy my adventurous soul for more than 5 months .... uhhh, wrong!! Did you miss the part where I said we took 5 kids?!!?!!?

Of course I can't help but relive the memories of our wedding/honeymoon cruise to Grand Cayman and Jamaica. If I scrinch my eyes shut really hard and get right over one of our scented oil candles, I can smell the beautiful flowers and I can even hear the waterfall that was behind us while we were saying our vows (but I am sitting next to our small zen fountain). I just want time to stand still and let us drink each other in ... I want the opportunity to put all my focus and energy into "us". And to have the warm ocean sparkling in front of us with exotic alcoholic beverages in our hands would be nice. Very nice.

In truth, we will probably end up in a decent hotel around here or if I feel like risking a winter blizzard, I'll reserve a log cabin in the mountains with a hot tub on the deck. But man ... Aruba, Jamaica, come on pretty Mama ............. (sorry, I can't sing!)

It's a Boy!!

2006-02-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since my last post. I honestly don't know what has kept me from writing. Let's see ... there was the Super Bowl (Yeah, Steelers!), my birthday (Yeah, 33!), Valentine's Day (Yum, Shaba Shabu), federal and state taxes turned in (Yeah, refund!), taking CJ to his classes (Yeah, education!) enjoying beautiful spring weather (Yeah, 70 degrees) and a new addition to our family (Yeah, another boy!). See .... nothing has been happenin' here!

Our new little boy has embraced our hearts completely. He is a tri-color shih tzu puppy named Jax. The boys are completely infatuated with the little bundle of fur and Ed seems to prefer snuggling with him over me. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't yet taken a picture of our new love but it shouldn't be much longer.

I did take over 100 pictures of CJ and Hunterman the past couple of weeks. There is not much I enjoy more than taking pictures of the boys. I've posted some of my favorites above. Maybe tomorrow I'll have pics of Jax, too.

Walk Softly ... Carry a Big Stick

2006-02-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

It seems like my boys' lives are moving at the speed of light. I just turned in a kindergarten application for CJ. If he is "randomly selected" for this charter school, he would start kindergarten in July!! I feel waves of nausea every time I think about this artistic, sensitive soul exposing himself to the harsh realities of bullies, criticism and insecurity. I know in my heart that CJ is ready for that giant leap into "Big Kid School", but I also know in my heart that I feel like I'll be losing a part of myself when that happens.

As for Hunterman, it seems as if he is changing, growing and learning by the minute! It is alarming how independent and self-sufficient he is ... up until the moment I try to leave him with my parents so that I can actually accomplish something in this house. He acts as if I'm tossing him to the wolves and spews out a scream that pierces my soul and I wonder if he will ever be ready for that small step into "Part-time Daycare".

I do know that as much as I dread loosening the apron strings a bit, I feel that I need more exposure to the Adult world. I need a time and a place to voice my opinions and share my "worldly insights" with others, without being interrupted every 2 minutes to referee or serve as waitstaff. I need to reconnect with grown-ups and establish a venue that allows me to be more than "Mommy". If I don't, I fear that I will free-fall off a cliff when CJ does venture forth into the real world and Hunterman does yearn to interact with other toddlers. And none of us want that!

Millions are watching ...

2006-01-24T10:53:00.000-05:00

Swirly Girl's open invitation to participate in 52 Figments has motivated me to revisit my childhood or more specifically my relationship with my Mom. The answer to this week's "figment" was instantaneous for me and almost dismissed because the answer seemed too easy. I wanted to have a more mysterious, intriguing answer ... one that most people would not be able to identify with --- but it occurred to me, that would be a false answer. My Mom deserves to be recognized, applauded and appreciated for all that she has done for me and all that she means to me. The picture posted above was an accurate portrayal of my first 8 years ... there was much sadness. My Mom was a "young" mother with no one on her side. Her mother took her to court and had her declared an "unfit" mother and was awarded custody of me. It seems that 30 some years ago it was quite easy to take a child from her mother whereas today the court does everything in its power to keep a mother and child together, even when it is obviously detrimental to the child. Of course, my bitterness is not truly directed at the court system but at my grandparents. They stole four precious years from my mother and me ... years that were filled with moments pictured here. I can only imagine that this picture was taken as we were forced to say good-bye after a very short and court enforced "visitation". My grandparents did allow me to live with my Mom after I turned five, but they refused to give her legal custody of me as they wanted some way to control their daughter. I should mention that there was absolutely nothing "unfit" about my mother -- other than her own parents.
My Mom's struggles are her own and I do not feel I have the right to put them in words. But I must acknowledge that my Mom did everything she could to keep her head above water and raise me with love and attention ... on her own. Until I was eight --- then I imagine that Mom's wish for a knight in shining armor was answered when she met my "Dad". With my Dad's support and my Mom's determination, they took my grandparents back to court and they were awarded legal custody. It was a day that my Mom had dreamed about and worked for for so long. That was just one of many battles my Mom fought for me over the years.
Her life revolved around me and my happiness. We were not rich ... not even middle-income, really ... but I never knew it. My Mom made sure that I had the clothes I wanted, the toys and games my friends had and vacations at the beach every year. She sacrificed and denied herself many things just so she could make sure that she provided for me and gave me the childhood she never had. Of course I was spoiled, but I was also appreciative. And being aware of what my Mom had endured during her life only helped me become stronger and more independent. There have been times that strength and independence have caused strife between my Mom and me but the bond that was forged between us when I was only a preschooler has triumphed. I never really knew how I would be able to repay my Mom for all that she has done for me but I think I have come close now that Mom is able to live nearby and watch me be a "Mommy" to CJ and Hunterman. She has been able to take part in their lives as babies, toddlers and now with CJ, a preschooler. Those moments stolen from her when I was just a babe have been given back to her twicefold. But I would still love to be able to thank her in front of millions ... as she deserves.

Fleeting Thoughts

2006-01-20T09:17:00.000-05:00

I can never seem to get a handle on time management. You would think a SAHM would have plenty of time to accomplish her daily tasks, play with the kids, chauffeur, spend time with the husband and even manage to find a few moments to write. I haven't found a way for that to work yet. There are so many things on my brain right now, it is hard to even sit here and try to find a coherent way to express them all.
-- Ed has a new job!! I wish I could go into great detail about his current place of employment but I'm afraid someone will think I'm writing fiction!! Suffice it to say that the place he is at right now is full of tension, backstabbing, unethical conduct, an owner who has no clue and a new management that wants to drive the company into the ground. And no -- this isn't just Ed's opinion ... I worked there for almost 7 years before I realized that life was only going to get worse. I was right. But for the brighter side --- my husband has accepted a job with a different company doing the same thing for more money, less hours and much less stress. I truly have not seen him this happy since Hunterman was born. He told me that it has been quite a struggle to go to work each day. Ed stated that there were some mornings that he got into his truck and sat there debating whether he should just tell me he couldn't do it any more. But then he would think about our children and he would crank up the truck and suck it up or as he said "bear it and share it!"
It hurt my heart to hear him tell me that ... I knew he was unhappy there. Anyone with half a brain and heart would be. I had offered to support any decision he made and to even help him find a different job -- but he would always tell me "I'll be fine". It hurts that I couldn't share this burden with him and that really, I was part of the burden. I'm pretty certain that if I were still working full-time it would have been easier for him to make a change much sooner. I believe this new opportunity is a reward for him ... for hanging in there when most people wouldn't (I didn't) and for having such a strong sense of responsibility for his family. He deserves all the happiness God can pile on his plate.

-- I will be sending CJ off to kindergarten in 7 months. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I know it is only natural for Moms to be scared and protective of their little ones when they are about to embark on such an adventure, but sometimes I feel it is more than that for me. Since CJ's Dad died, I have felt an overwhelming need to shield him from more pain -- to try to set his world right again. Believe me, I know in my head that I cannot and should not protect him from "life" -- that I need to direct my energies into preparing him for it instead. But in my heart, I feel an injustice was done to him and that feeling is only reinforced when I catch him staring up at the sky with a lot of sadness in his eyes or when I see him hug his Dad's headstone at the cemetery and hear him whisper "I miss you, Daddy". I know that CJ is very happy and loved beyond belief and I know that he loves Ed as a dad. But I wish CJ didn't have to endure the sadness and emptiness that must accompany losing a parent. I wish I could give him a magic shield that would protect him from the fear, confusion and anxiety of entering kindergarten. Maybe I'm the one that needs the magic shield.

My Traveling Companions

2006-01-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

Since this blog will be focused on my daily life, I should introduce you to my frequent traveling companions so that they will not seem like random strangers (although they are to you).

I will be referring to my co-driver (husband) as Ed. I would use his real name but he detests the idea of a personal blog. Ed and I are quickly approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary and have recently celebrated 3 years of being "together". The story of how we met is quite boring, but the fact that we didn't like each other (actually, he says he "HATED" me) in the beginning does add a bit of intrigue. I believe the dislike eventually grew into a mutual tolerance of one another and as we each let our guard down we began to sense an attraction that shocked, threatened and overwhelmed us. Once we acknowledged the attraction we made the decision to embrace it with everything we had ... and here we are. To most people (and sometimes ourselves) we appear to be quite different from one another. Ed is very much a country boy ---- drives small pickup truck with huge tires and a 20 foot tall antenna; believes hunting is a lifestyle and not just a hobby; insists on displaying a dead buck's head on our living room wall; talks with such a Southern drawl that even I sometimes need a translator; and describes in great detail how to slaughter a hog to prepare it for a pig pickin'. Now, I'm a country girl by birth, so I knew what I was getting into. However, I'm a city girl at heart! Ed prefers a cabin in the mountains; I want a skyscraper hotel in New York City. Ed prefers country ham, homemade biscuits and eggs fried over easy; I order escargot, filet mignon (medium rare) and flan. You get the picture. Beyond the obvious differences, we understand what is important to each other and to our family. He may not understand how I can eat snails, but he understands how his strong arms around me makes me feel safe and protected and I NEED that. He indulges my insatiable need for affection -- physical and emotional. He doesn't tease me about not erasing his love notes written in dry erase marker from our mirror. And when I subtly suggest that a trip to our favorite beach would be nice ... he makes it happen. We both have a healthy fear of losing one another, but my love has absolutely nothing to fear. He is my navigator for life.

I know -- a bit sappy. So I'll move along to the two fellows riding along with us. First is CJ, my tender-hearted, artistic four year old (obviously from a previous marriage if you figure up the math!). CJ is my laid-back, mischievous son who has taught me the joy of coloring books and making up insane stories. He showers me with hugs, kisses and an almost hourly "I love you, Mommy". CJ is also the little fellow that taught me what true terror is when he was put in Neonatal Intensive Care just hours after being born and then again when he was hospitalized at 3 months with pneumonia (it was in the middle of July for God's sake!!). The thought of losing this precious gift was more than I could possibly bear ... and he has truly made me a strong woman! He has the look of a cherub with his mess of blonde curls and heart melting dimples and a soul of one as well when he can pick out birthday presents at Toys'r'Us for his siblings and not ONCE ask for something for himself.

And now to the little fellow that has me embracing a life I never, ever imagined and even swore I would never do --- be a stay-at-home mom. Hunterman is our 16 month old "hell on wheels". His luminous blue eyes and strawberry blonde, wild curls lulls one into a false sense of serenity. This child has the energy of 3,000 wild ponies and he has NO FEAR whatsoever. I am also convinced that he has the highest pain tolerance of any human being and should be studied by the National Institute of Health for his ability to laugh in the face of injury or pain. He also amazes me each day with his intelligence. At 15 months we taught him to put trash in the trash can ... 1 day later he picks up his own soiled diaper and marches it straight to the trash can without being prompted and then rewards himself by clapping. After his 15 month checkup, I was embarrassed when I had to admit to his pediatrician that I had not even attempted to teach Hunterman the names of any of his body parts. She tried to reassure me by stating that it would be more of a concern if he could not identify at least 3 of his body parts by his 18-month check-up. Trying to make up for my complete and utter failure as a mother, I immediately pointed to my nose and then to Hunterman's nose while slowly saying, Nnnnn oooooo ssssss eeeee. I took Hunterman's little finger and placed it on his own nose again while saying NNNNNNNN oooooooo sssssss eeeeee. Hunterman just gazed at me as if I were that Gollem creature in Lord of the Rings. I then had the gall to ask him to show Mommy his nose .... and he did while snorting and sniffing and laughing at me.

Both of my back-seat drivers and my steadfast co-pilot have brought me more joy than I ever believed possible and I cannot wait to see where our journey will take us all.

As the World Turns .... Over

2006-01-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe that just 24 hours ago I was having a wonderful afternoon with my boys ... enjoying the unseasonably warm day and practicing my photographic skills (or lack of). It made my heart full to watch them chase around in circles until their cheeks glowed a vibrant pink and search the grass and dirt carefully for precious little snails. I felt free and full and giddy with life. Fast forward to now ... turmoil. That is all I feel. The turmoil is spinning in my head and chest like a small but destructive tornado. I feel drowsy but sickenly alert ... my limbs feel so heavy but yet I feel lightheaded. If I didn't know better I would just write it off to the hormonal roller coaster. However -- unless I somehow unknowingly was given a recent free admission on that perilous ride, hormones wouldn't be the answer. I've never succombed to the hormonal trips except during my two pregnancies. Ahhhhhhhh ... maybe it's time to go pee on a little stick!?! At this point I would most definitely want to see the word PREGNANT on the cleverly designed digital doo-dad -- just so I would have a very good reason to feel the way I do today. 3 minutes and I shall know ... right?

***Okay, it's been slightly more than 3 minutes but I had to get the boys down for their naps. And it seems I wasted a ridiculously over-priced digital doo-dad. I did get to see PREGNANT on the little screen but it was preceeded by NOT. Perhaps I should go down for a nap also while all is quiet. Maybe the fury will be quashed by the silence. I can only pray.

Love Lost

2006-01-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who hve died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the day
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any ---- lifted from the no
of all nothing ---- human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
e. e. cummings

It truly feels as if today is the day I have come alive again. Don't get me wrong. I love being the wife of a wonderfully affectionate and kind man and the mother of two energetic bright beings. I love the mundane life that comes with being "settled" -- of having a routine, planning birthday parties, even trying to live on a budget. But my "inner" self --- the creative, passionate, assertive soul --- is what has been dead. I have missed and even grieved the soul of who I once was. And it is no one's fault other than my own that it was buried alive. But since I take responsibility for it's demise, I also claim credit for its' rebirth. Now I must insure that the "ears of my ears" stay awake and that the "eyes of my eyes" remain open.

Take 2: A Shot in the Dark

2006-01-10T10:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure how I have found my way to BlogWorld. I do love to travel but I never imagined my journey would take me to the internet in an attempt to find myself or rediscover myself or develop myself. Can you tell I'm lost? I think the detour I took back in college actually began my journey into the unknown. Until that time I always knew what road I was on and always had the map open in my lap. Sometime in my junior year my map flew out the window while I was leaning down to tune my radio. I was a little shaken by not having the directions firmly in my grasp but I thought it silly and weak to stop and ask for a little guidance. Somehow when I lost my map -- I lost all sense of direction and even forgot what I intended my destination to be. So I lived block by block ... deciding at the last second whether to go left, right, full speed ahead or do a complete U-turn. I do know I didn't make any U-Turns because I didn't practice them much in driving school. Sometimes I even flipped a coin to decide which way to turn. I did happen upon a few dead ends and I unfortunately was involved in a couple of tragic car wrecks. But I have survived. I'm lost, but I'm alive.